I’m not ever going back to a class reunion again, last time there were just a bunch of old people there.
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My insurance rates went way down after I legally changed my middle name from Danger to Robert.
I see your IQ test came back negative
At the end of my appointment, the doctor took her own blood pressure.
mom: what’d you do today?
christopher robin: the pantsless bear in crop top needed my help cuz he got covered in honey and stuck in a hole
mom: …okay maybe no more going to the woods alone for awhile.
*barges into bank with guns drawn
Alright everyone now be cool and no one gets hurt!
*hands out sunglasses all around
Nice. Nice.
Remember folks, the camera adds ten pounds – unless you’re good at selfie angles like me, in which case it subtracts 30 *wink
Day two of homeschooling.
I am leaving my student to fend for herself, so I may hunt for essentials. Like more wine.
God: you’re a centipede.
Centipede: what does that mean?
God: you have 10 legs.
Centipede: that’s not enough legs.
God: how many do you want?
Centipede: 100 LEGS : )
God: ok but don’t tell Snake.
Snake: don’t tell me what?
God:
Centipede:
Snake: guys don’t tell me what?
R.I.P.
mom: how was the ballgame
me: they showed sex on tv
mom: what?
dad: he means the kiss cam
me: haha no *crossing out line in notebook* that’s for sure different than sex and I knew that
Save on air conditioning by letting ghosts infest your house.
The Internet is good for two things
1) People without clothes
2) Animals with clothes
My birthday is tomorrow. I accept gift cards, cash, cheesecake, or a beach house. You pick.
If you yell “DIE” when killing a spider, it dies faster.
Cashier: Need to see some ID
Me: You get a lot of 20yo guys buying tampons, diapers, grapes & whiskey?
Cashier: Yup
Me: Ok, here you go then
Me: *runs up* if anyone asks, we’re friends. just be cool.
Dog: *wags tail*
Me: oh you’re good.
Why do people apologize when their dog runs up to you? You could stuff your dog down the back of my shirt and I’d give you a dollar
[Neo’s Matrix bullet dodge but instead it’s me taking a compliment]
Every time my kids start whining I get the urge to call my mom and apologize
Me: You said pick the kids up
Wife: OUR KIDS
Me: *Watching a pack of feral children destroy everything we own* Yeah, that makes more sense
Each time a person sneezes on an airplane, that sneeze circulates the entire airplane cabin before being filtered out by vents.
Me: *excited* I bought a bunch of Christmas carbs just like you said!
My boss: You mean Christmas cards?
Me with doughnut glaze all over my face: what
My boss: what
Confuse people by complimenting them, but with a tone that implies you’re really surprised
Stranger things? You should see Tinder.
My kid, sick at school: *lethargic, deathlike pallor, has to be carried*
My kid, sick at home: *eats five meals before lunch time, jumping up and down on bed, wants to go on a hike*
Ground control: He says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: What’s he done this time?
Wife: Where’d you buy my gift?
Me: Bed Bath & Beyond
Wife: You used a coupon right?
Me: Coupon?
*wife faints*
[gains weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
[loses weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
me: wow, i wish i had a life as simple as a dog. they never do anything except sit there and nap all day and they’re so content.
also me: *is on the third day in a row of watching netflix on the couch for 9 hours straight*