*barges into bank with guns drawn
Alright everyone now be cool and no one gets hurt!
*hands out sunglasses all around
Nice. Nice.
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Right about now, I’d say that mistletoe is probably the most deadly plant on earth.
ME: I wanna be the very best like no one ever was
Prof Oak: [handing me Pokedex] there are 150-
ME: sorry how much work is this gonna be
The cat puked all over the bath mat so I just tossed it into the trash can. Then I put the bath mat in the washer.
If your friend says they can’t swim, don’t make them go in the water because they might be hiding the fact that they’re a robot and you don’t want them to know that you know.
My neighbor is having a party for his daughter. I have been listening to Justin Bieber for 3 hours. Do not interact with me.
My dog wakes up at 4:30 every morning so he can take a nap by 6.
goals for 2016:
1) spend more time with my son
2) learn about his fav video games
3) defeat him
4) become video game household champion
when u have to ignore grammar rules to make a tweet fit into 140 characters
Yelling out “Stranger Danger!” is a good way to say no when a cashier asks for your zip code.
Wife: “Oh my God! You really ONLY hear what you want!”
Me: “Thanks! I’ve been working out!”
That clothes store that catered to old people 20 years ago is suddenly catering to me now. Wild.
“Dad why’d u name me this?”
I named u after the greatest athlete to ever live
“Oh ok”
Now let’s go, Air Bud, we’re gonna be late for church
my student loan account is locked for an hour bc i entered my password wrong twice. who the hell do they think is trying to break in and pay my loans for me. why would i want to prevent that. Pleas let them in
This is my pinned tweet
My mom once called me at 3am to tell me some long lost relative died and hung up on me when I asked if they’d still be dead at 8am.
I like to write all my death threat letters in Comic Sans.
I find it lightens the mood.
Her: Col. Mustard did it in the conservatory with a lead pipe because the victim’s loud chewing drove him to it.
Me: You don’t have to give a motive. *bites into apple* Hey, is that a real lead pi
If I was a microplastic I would simply not go in the ocean or anyone’s mouth.
If I ever get murdered, I want two white women with a podcast to solve it in their free time
Xanax, keeping moms from dropping their kids off at an orphanage since 1981.
I yell “5 second rule”when ever a girl sits on the ground.
Me: Good night Moon
Moon:
Me, climbing out of lunar module two weeks later: Did you get my text?!
5yo: OMG I’M STARVING I NEED TO EAT I’M GONNA DIIIIIEE!!
*eats 3 fries*
5yo: Can I be done?
*pops stick of Juicy Fruit in mouth*
“Mmm, this is delic…shit, the flavor’s gone.”
Clearance aisles are awesome. I don’t even have a ham but for fifty cents I’m gonna glaze something.
My biggest fear is a serial killer brewing a fresh pot of coffee, while I’m trying to play dead.
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
Did you know that there is a little lonely man inside automatic towel dispensers that gives you a towel because he’s happy you waved to him?
Laughter is like a face orgasm. If he can give me that, he earned an audition for giving me an actual orgasm.