Little know fact but Michael Phelps was conceived anally. He’s just that good of a swimmer.

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[me, at Hot Topic] ah yes, bring me your hottest topics, my good man


*calls mom*
“Ma I made 3 friends on twitter today”
*long pause*
*mom stares at 3 fake twitter accounts she made, fights tears*


Them: I wish for world peace

Me: May all the food you order resemble the picture on the menu


I struggle against the ropes binding me, catching the scent of gas. “You’ll die too,” I say.

“9 lives,” my cat whispers, lighting a match.


I accidentally touched the underside of a public toilet seat with my finger. Well, you had a good run, finger. *chainsaw sound*


Wife: We’re supposed to get 8-10 inches tonight. Me: That’s what she said. Wife: Can’t you do any better than that? Me: That’s what she said


My wife went on a lot of roller coasters when she was pregnant with our daughter Katelyn, and you can tell 🙁


I’ve always heard that ignorance is bliss. My question: Exactly, how ignorant do I have to be before I find bliss?


“Careful, there’s poop on the dance floor.” – how ballet was invented.