Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hope you don’t feel as bloated as you look.

Annnd that’s how the fight started.

You look like you would fail a DNA test

Don’t let anyone treat you like a red flag, you’re the whole damn red carpet baby

[my 17 witnessing my wife and I kissing]

You guys have been married a long time, haven’t you had enough?

putting soup in a square tupperware…… it’s just not right. it should be a circle one which is the shape of soup

Just got my test results back and my cholesterol level is a cheese bratwurst.

Me: I know something we can do tonight 😉

My husband: You superglued your eye shut again and I need to drive you to the ER

Me: yeah ;(

I accidentally spilled Coke on my husband’s shoes, so now I’m waiting to see which one of my kids acts like a jerk first so I know who to blame it on.

SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: *eats a sandwich brought from home*

SUBWAY MANAGER: hey no outside artwork

The only French I know are words for food items and the chorus of Lady Marmelade. Turns out that’s all you really need.

Them: “How’s your diet going?”
Me: *slowly eats a powdered donut while maintaining eye contact*

I kinda feel like everyone shakes their head a little too much when they see me coming

instagram: look at my new boyfriend

twitter: I can’t get a boyfriend

reddit: my [21F] boyfriend [53M] boyfriend forbids me from going into the basement and has a sock drawer full of missing women’s driver’s licenses, AITA for being uncomfortable? the wedding is in three hours

I was raised by wolves
I was then lowered by bears

They really should only have one species of animal operating these cranes

#growingpains

Just heard a 15 year old call an autobiography a word selfie

*points finger gun at mouth*
*pulls trigger*

i understand that my body can’t digest corn or whatever. that’s fine. my issue is that i f****** chewed it. how the hell is it coming out back in the shape of corn. what are they not telling us

not just anyone can be cremated. you have to urn it

Interviewer: What are you passionate about? I want someone who’s full of passion. Passion is so motivational.

Me: I’m passionate about a paycheque, sir.

Um how poor are you to sell your own yard? For real. And like, nobody’s going to buy it with tables full of junk all over it. Geez. Idiots.

I plan to scary-haunt anyone who says “she wouldn’t want us to be sad” at my funeral. If you’re not sad that I’m gone forever you deserve it

Don’t be that guy that goes around saying “Don’t Be That Guy.”

The clearest evidence that I’ve gone insane is the fact that I pay monthly for a land line.

Your name is Jeff with a G? Jeffg? Ok

pharaoh: make my tomb a giant triangle

architect: ah yes, the triangle shape is strong and sturdy & the sides will be sloped so you can symbolically climb into the afterlife

pharaoh: [thinking about using it as a giant slide] yes

i think a great bit would be if petsmart had just one big evil looking sword in this section

IF YOU THINK IM GONNA SMILE BECAUSE IT REQUIRES FEWER MUSCLES YOUVE GOT ANOTHER THING COMING. NO OFF DAYS, WELCOME TO FROWN TOWN, BABY

Teenaged girls post pics of their bodies and they’re ‘sexy.’

I post pics of my bodies and I’m a ‘Serial Killer.’

*looking up at the stars*

Me: look at that big one, isn’t it beautiful?

Her: *squinting* can we do this at night, instead?