Little know fact but Michael Phelps was conceived anally. He’s just that good of a swimmer.
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Isn’t it ironic that all of Alanis Morissette’s friends knew her song had nothing to do with irony but, being Canadian, were too polite to tell her.
My noisy upstairs neighbour reminds me of that person I killed next week.
Having a toddler is like harboring a bipolar, schizophrenic, incontinent, adorable, tiny dictator.
Don’t talk down to me
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Meteorologist: Dress for the 70s today.
Me: Okay.
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When the @funTweeters account RTs my tweet.
Weather man said all you need today is sunglasses and sunscreen but I think I’ll put some clothes on too.
Fact: if you drop a penny from a skyscraper it can kill someone on the street? It’s true, I’m still glad I went with a bowling ball though
Sure, being a lion tamer is dangerous but have you ever gotten a haircut while you had the hiccups?
#milo
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