Little know fact but Michael Phelps was conceived anally. He’s just that good of a swimmer.
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I blame 2 of my 3 DUIs on Jesus because I specifically told him to take the wheel
one thing the entire animal kingdom has in common is the face we make when our kid won’t shut up
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Sure reading a book under a tree is peaceful but imagine how stressful it is for the tree to see a bunch of it’s dead friends in your hand.
Good news class—you are exactly 9 years old, so from here on out, we’ll exclusively be reading books where the dog dies.
Was looking at smoking pipes on Amazon & realized that CW could look at my history.So,I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Tomorrow’s forecast seems ominous.
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me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
Wife: I’ll bet you $100 you can’t go a week without drinking.
Me: Piece of cake, babe.
[one week later]
Me: Just make that a liquor store gift card.
How many syllables does the word “Gloria” have?
CATHOLICS: 18
Me on the toilet: HEY I NEED SOME TOILET PAPER
6: *running around dressed like a mummy* we’re all out
One of my kids hates the smell of melted cheese, so naturally my other kid is going through a nachos only phase.
doctor: I’m afraid your husband has died
my aunt: oh no wait have you tried giving him *scrolling facebook* apple cider vinegar
My daughter picked up my husbands kettleball and tried swinging it and ended up knocking a hole in the wall. She looks over at me and says, “Is that okay?”
I’m like sure, we always wanted a hole in the wall so go on with ya bad self!
stadium announcer: “STADIUM!”
The dinner I made tonight wasn’t great. Luckily it only took 2 hours to make, cost $83 in ingredients, and needed multiple pots and pans.
I don’t clap when the plane lands but I would boo if it crashed
My kids never finish their dinner because they’re saving room for bath water.
[mouse wedding]
PHOTOGRAPHER: Oh my God [closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose] Stop. Turning. Round. THERE ISN’T ANY ACTUAL CHEESE
i show up for work with my head stuck in a turtle neck sweater with eye holes cut in it
You brought me roses? I can’t eat this. Get out.
My favourite sport is tracking the pizza delivery guy
Friendship: because I’ve said many dumb things & you acted like they were TED talks
Solving a traffic jam
friend: should i have kids?
me: my kids are currently outside barking back at the neighbors dog for 10 minutes now. 0 stars do not recommend.
My husband just asked me in the kindest voice if I wanted some water, and I said, “You know, I’d love some water?” And I turned around and he was carrying the dog’s water bowl to her….(Reader, he was not asking me if I wanted water.)
Being an ipad baby must be soo exciting imagine going from nine dull months in the womb to playing candy crush
Wanted:
Someone to chew my food and feed me like a baby bird. No weirdos.
As the mother of two kids under 5, I’m always playing a game I call “Is this normal, or is my child a sociopath?”
i can guess how someone will die based on their clothes
date: what about me?
Hawaiian themed bathroom fire