Googles ‘why everyone hates self-made rich geniuses’
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[Abruptly stops hula hooping] Not guilty, your Honor.
toothfairy had to leave a note apologizing she couldn’t find the tooth last night despite CLEAR instructions to her customers where the designated tooth pick-up spot is.
15000 CCTVs 2b installed in Delhi 4r Obama’s visit.
This is ridiculous. Just because he’s black doesnt mean he’ll steal anything. Racists!
God has abandoned us.
Shin bruises only take about 8 years to heal
Priest: Do you read to your kids from the Good Book?
Me: Every night
Priest: What’s their favorite part?
Me: When Frodo destroys the ring
do mermaids get waxed or descaled
Creating intrigue by texting “We need to talk about what happened at the lake house” to all my friends and following it up with “Sorry that was meant for someone else!!”
I put some fridge magnets on my fridge door and now it’s covered in fridges
Texting is a brilliant way to miscommunicate how you feel, and misinterpret what other people mean.
Dads will be like “I don’t cry” but then get misty-eyed thinking about how beautifully they backed into a parking spot
wtf management?!
Wife: I finally caught you. I could hear it from the other room. You were watching a dirty movie. Me: No. Its just womens tennis.
I was going to learn to play the violin, but it was too much of a commitment.
I wanted something with no strings attached.
Me: I found some sunglasses. Got any wallets?
Lost&Found: this isn’t an exchange
Me: *pulls sunglasses back*
LF: security!
Me: *runs*
Hey kid.. don’t let your mom tell you that you need to wait an hour after eating to go swimming. I used to eat Philly cheesesteaks IN the pool. Everything is fine.
i guess i’m not sure how to end a relationship correctly walking towards him banging a pan loudly with a wooden spoon did not work
[lifeguard panting and dropping me in sand] what the hell
[me trying to catch my breath] sorry. I thought you were a shark for most of that
Guy Who Invented the Jet Engine: this will revolutionize the travel industry
Guy Who Really Hates Geese: yeah that too
Unhappy with work? Have a child.
Now you love work.
There’s a bird in the yard and she’s shaking her tail feathers in hope of attracting a mate. HE SHOULD LOVE YOU FOR YOUR BRAIN, I yell.
You’re right. My money don’t jiggle jiggle. That’s the folds of my dad bod. Yea. They wiggle wiggle too.
[Getting lucky on the first date]
Me: Hey, there’s an onion ring in my fries!
Neighbours described the United Kingdom as a “quiet, well-mannered country” that “kept itself to itself”.
If Kim delivered food is she a Doordashian?
HER: I’m breaking up with you..
ME: Is it because W e A re I N a Bl a k H o l e ?
C ¡ !
H
E R: Y
e S
! ! ! !
Please stop asking Santa for the perfect woman…….
3 times he’s tried to kidnap me this week
VAMPIRE HUNTER: It’s so strange…why is this one coffin turned over on its side?
ME, from inside: I don’t like sleeping on my back.
coming to theaters soon: Dawn of the Rise of the Dawn of the Planet of the Rise of the Rise of the Dawn of the Apes
I’ll take the seat next to the guy who swallowed the wifi.