A cabbage a day keeps people away.
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Haven’t even received my $1,200 yet and I’m already worried about gold-diggers.
I just walked into my bedroom and the window was open, so the door accidentally slammed shut behind me. That should keep my family sufficiently terrified for the next few hours.
Wow, the Fire Marshall really has no sense of humor these days.
Always remember to look for the end of the extension cord you left in the yard before taking a piss.
zordon: YOU ARE MY POWER RANGERS
9th graders: whoa!
zordon: HERE ARE THE KEYS TO THE MEGAZORD
9th graders: but we don’t even have our driver’s licens–
zordon: GO GO POWER RANGERS
Dude is taking me out of town for my birthday this weekend. He won’t tell me where we’re going but he has a shovel and 3 bags of lime in his truck so I’m thinking somewhere outside like maybe hiking.
[last day at job]
“You’ve made my life a misery, I hate you all”
[remembers my car is in the garage and I need a lift]
“Not you tho Phil”
Have you tried complaining about it for hours?
Why do people say they tried calling me? No, you did, in fact, succeed in calling. I just didn’t answer.
Any walk can be a walk-of-shame when you’re an adult wearing Crocs™
HER: (touching my chest) What a fascinating tattoo…
ME: Thanks. I was carrying a squid and a porcupine, and I tripped.
A large group of other people’s children is called a “nope”
My 30 yr old called me this morning to ask when he had the chicken pox…please, I can’t even remember if I took my pills last night
FUN FACT:
Bears hibernate in the winter just to get away from Christmas music…
*shopping*
4yo: I found pajamas with a t-rex on them. We can go home now
Me: We need other stuff too
4yo: No. This is all we need. Let’s go!
*tries hard*
*fails*
*tries flaccid*
Reminding Dad I’m too old for adoption really bums him out because that was one of his favorite threats when I was growing up
“Your name?”
“Annie, R.U.O.K
“Annie, R.U.O.K?”
“R.U.O.K, Annie”
5 years ago my dad texted me “i dreamed up the title of a poem last night” and i said “what was the title” and he said “Thoughts Upon Receiving Notice The Frogs Had Cast Off Their Green Skins and Revealed Their True Glorious Selves” and i have thought of that every day since.
I saw an attractive woman spank her kid in McDonalds after he threw his fries on the ground, so I also threw mine on the ground.
nothing kills high school nostalgia faster than a scroll down your facebook feed
living in a van down by the river isn’t an insult anymore. It’s a YouTube sensation.
I just noticed the light fixture in the bathroom is off center, so no, I won’t be renewing my lease.
Stop talking trash about marine life!
Sharks are POWERFUL
Whales are GENTLE
Crabs are RESOURCEFUL
Jellyfish are PEACEFUL
Dolphins
Octopi are VERY SMART
Che: “Why do you want to participate in this guerrilla war?”
Me: [picturing myself leading an army of gorillas into battle] “Independence.”
I’m so single…..
When they ask me for an emergency contact I put the neighbours dog.
I had a teacher in high school who always assumed we’d give the wrong answer.
“What’s hotter, green or red peppers?”
Green
“Nope. Green.”
Why do animals in Lion King worship Simba? Do they not know they are food?
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
Is this you?