Remember the bridge you drive over today was built by the lowest bidder.
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[Facepainting Booth]
Mum: Er…she wanted a butterfly…
Me: I only do toads
Mum: Well you should say that bef-
Me: *taps “TOADS ONLY” sign*
My favorite type of men is ramen.
If I could be a superhero, I’d be Aluminum Man. My superpower would be foiling crime.
Psychiatrist: You saw a doctor before me?
Me: Yes.
Psychiatrist: What was their diagnosis?
Me: ᵐᵘˡᵗⁱᵖˡᵉ ᵖᵉʳˢᵒⁿᵃˡⁱᵗʸ ᵈⁱˢᵒʳᵈᵉʳ
Psychiatrist: Excuse me?
Me: HE SAID MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER.
Found a $20 in the laundry I’ve been looking for all week. Just gonna go back to bed now and quit while I’m ahead.
I’m hosting a mommy group next week and am thinking of buying a bunch of “how to parent a genius” type books to leave around the house.
Him: Take them off. All of them.
*slowly unbuttons 50 cardigans
i just convinced a tinder boy we had the same number so i didnt have to text him
Boeing set to re-brand as “The ACME Corporation.”
If I ever suddenly drop dead during a covert McDonald’s lunch visit, my wife gonna be so pissed when she finds that untouched cucumber and hummus sandwich in my backpack.
british people be having sex like:
mmmm yes splendid ah indeed scrumptious carry on good heavens i’m arriving
*cats pull on masks* This is the ultimate heist. Let’s get those jewels. *cats immediately set off alarm trying to attack the laser beams*
I wish I hadn’t bought so much Encyclopedia Britannica stock in 1999.
If the vaccine gives me any superpower, I hope that it is the ability to find my car in a parking lot
When u drop an ice cube on the floor u have only 2 options:
1. kick it under the fridge
2. pick it up & throw it at the sink missing wildly
can’t talk my ride’s here
My ransom was dropped from $30,000 to fifty bucks when my parents told my kidnappers it’d take 2 days to come up with the money.
If you walk up to me with a plate of food and say “Matt?”
My name will always be Matt.
Your yearly reminder that if you’re mad at what happens to Emma Thompson in Love Actually you can watch Die Hard after and he gets what he deserves
*pulls handle on slot machine
*prune
*prune
*prune
*diarrhea comes out
ME: *peeing in the ocean*
WIFE: at least go in past your waist
Her: U ready for the next Star Wars?
Me: *sweating* Did we win the last one?
*Food arrives*
*Waits 3 days*
*Slowly takes bite of food*
*Waitress appears from under the table in camouflage*
HOW IS EVERYTHING??
Kanye West named his kid North. Drake Bell says he’ll name his first kid Taco. I think Jessica Biel should name her kid Batmo.
Me: I think you might have schizophrenia
Me: No I don’t
“As first lady you would be responsible for the White House china. Any thoughts?”
MELANIA TRUMP: Oh, Donald says he’s getting rid of China
God: you’re an amphibian.
Frog: what does that mean?
God: it means you can breathe on land and in the water.
Frog: omg you mean I’m a mermaid?
God: no that’s not what I-
Frog: [whispers] I’m the littlest mermaid.
Sat behind two cars at a four-way stop for 5 minutes before I realized I had accidentally joined a goddamn school pick up line.
What do you call a Mexican who lost his car?
Carlos.
Sometimes, late at night, I’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.