hell hath no fury like a toddler who lost the chance to push a button
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Wife: We should go camping
Me: Yay
*waits til wife is gone to tell kids the Blair Witch Project plot. Camping trip turns into visit to NYC*
It’s a day for learning unwanted facts.
My mom remembers exactly what she was doing when Elvis died but can’t remember my name half the time, my birthday, or who my dad is.
I’m from a generation that wouldn’t dare tell an adult that we were bored.
what kind of monster rides a horse through a desert and doesn’t have the decency to give the horse a name
Hubby just choked after he bit into a grape and it squirted down his throat….
Not as easy as it looks is it?
Stop playing that stupid game and pick a Netflix movie Arthur!
Toddler cupping his hands around my ear: Pss shh tsk whhh shiii pstsh tssskp.
Me: You know whispering is still saying real words, but just really quietly, right?
What kind of key opens the door to a haunted house
A spoo-key.
Meltdowns are what happens when you compartmentalize your thoughts, but forget to label them.
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i speak so quietly?
wife: well you could at least say something
None for me. I’ll eat when I’m dead
“You don’t understand how that saying works, do you?”
I’ll understand how the saying works when I’m dead
when you tell me to do something I was already about to do
I have a divorce case where I’m seriously considering hiring community theater actors to come into court and read all the text messages for the record.
Me: I just want to be the hat girl at the gym.
Them: You mean hot girl?
Me: *on treadmill*
*wearing a ski mask, beret, and cowboy hat*
No.
waiter: how did u find your meal sir?
me: i… i looked down
My boyfriend called my skirt a petticoat and now he’s paying bills using a quill on parchment paper wearing his wooden false teeth.
me: I made a model of the himalayas
friend: did you build them to scale?
me: no, just to look at
friend: what
BILBO: *Blows smoke ring*
GANDALF: *Blows smoke ship that goes through smoke ring*
BILBO: It’s okay to just let some things be about other people.
[marriage counselling]
Her: he always thinks he’s talking to me on CB radio
Me: I don’t, over
Her: It’s over
Me: It’s what? Over
the main reason men’s shirts have those little breast pockets is just in case their gf becomes a worm
“Sir, you cannot return your friend.”
But she got me a shitty gift.
“You can return the gift. Not the friend.”
Well that’s a dumb policy.
Me: Man, I’m tired of hearing about politics.
The universe: Cool, here’s nothing but Taylor Swift.
My boss just choked on a breath mint. It was a tough decision to do the Heimlich maneuver because he really needed that mint.
I take advice from crows because their core strategy of screaming at things and flying away really tracks.
want me to check your oil?
I’m at that age where I’d rather finish a terrible movie than start another one because it’s 7:30pm and I may still fall asleep during this one.
Update: Gingerbread men are actually incredibly slow and delicious
Squid Game is so captivating because it’s about man’s greatest fear: being told to find a partner to team up with for a project
My son just got braces and his mouth hurts too much for solid food so I made him a milkshake but he didn’t want it and then my husband said he’d drink it but then he didn’t end up wanting it either. So no, sadly my milkshake does NOT bring any boys to the yard.