Squid Game is so captivating because it’s about man’s greatest fear: being told to find a partner to team up with for a project
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Don’t forget to hug your friends. They might be hiding a burrito from you, so get a good feel
Me: “Want a banana?”
3yo: “Yes, but don’t cut it up. And don’t peel it. And don’t make it be a banana. Make it be a waffle.”
ME: Waiter!
WAITER: What’s wrong?
ME: I ordered the alphabet soup.
WAITER: What’s the problem?
ME: How many letters are there?
WAITER: Twenty six, sir.
ME: Well, this soup only has bees.
There’s an expiration date on this bottle of Bailey’s lmao
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can communicate telepathically?
ME:
IN: Is this an ability you have always had?
ME:
IN: Please say something.
Time for evil
Obamacare? More like “Obama? I don’t care for that guy!!!” Honk if you want poor people to die
Sometimes when I travel I toss a flashlight into my bag and when I open the bag later it’s turned on. So no lightsaber for me thanks.
Chinese takeaway – £17
Delivery charge – £1
Realising the idiots have forgot one of your containers – Riceless
When my wife wanted to have a second child – her exact words were “it’s just rinse and repeat”.
To this day that’s still the funniest joke she’s ever told.
Everyone wants to save the world, but no one wants to do the dishes.
Carson: No it wasn’t a friend it was a close family member. And I didn’t stab her I froze her heart.
“Sir, that’s the plot of Frozen.”
Coffee: hi
Me: hey
*slow 80’s saxophone starts playing*
“I’m quitting Twitter forever!”
This isn’t Twitter International Airport. You don’t need to announce your departure.
If Alexa is really “watching” everything I do, then why doesn’t she help a sister out and block her credit card after 10pm?!?!
Couples who finish each other’s sentences have killed before and will kill again.
I was raised by wolves
I was then lowered by bearsThey really should only have one species of animal operating these cranes
Harsh but fair
You can buy a 48-pack of referee whistles on Amazon for $8. Give them to the kids of people you hate.
Let’s take a moment to be thankful that ponytails don’t wag like dog tails when we’re excited.
your emcee name is DJ + the last thing you spent money on, DJ Kitty Litter IN THA HOUUUUSE
Breaking News:
I did 3/16th of a complete push-up
Obviously, someone didn’t follow the instructions before assembling the cat…🐈🐾😅
Give a toddler a crayon and he will eat that crayon. Teach him how to color and he will eat more crayons.
Top three Eagles albums:
1.
2.
3. The one with that California song
Milk Cube
Him: You’re on a diet. Why buy all this candy?
Me: Because the alternative is called stealing.
I hate it when I go to hide out from my kids in the walk-in closet & my husband is already in there hiding out from me.
This grocery store is playing “Freebird” which I interpret as an invitation to shoplift a turkey.