Obviously, someone didn’t follow the instructions before assembling the cat…๐๐พ๐
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triple bad room means you have to sleep with the ownerโs grandma. who likes her feet rubbed. with butter.
Baby rabbits๐ฐ look like wise old Kung Fu masters.
Another useless change! I’m leaving this app. I just can’t stick around through another update. See you guys back here in an hour.
Don’t mind me while I aim the remote at your face and make fast-forward button gestures.
Time for my annual harsh but true fitness assessment in the Target fitting room ๐
I really upset my wife last week but she seems to have forgotten all about it. In fact she’s forgotten a few things since then, like my deadly nut allergy and the whereabouts of my epipen.
People keep mistaking my “wow”s for compliments.
*Attempts to use ‘I have a boyfriend’ meme*
Meme: I have a boyfriend.
[end of a date]
her: we should have dinner again
me: thanks but I’m full
Nutella. A delicious mix of nuts and umbrellas.
There’s a book called “Why Women have sex” by Cindy Meston. The author also wrote”Why Men have sex” but I’m guessing thats just a pamphlet.
me: *finally falling back asleep in the middle of the night*
my brain: *make her think she heard the doorbell*
I once beat boxed for over 6 hours trying to impress a girl before finding out she was deaf.
Finally a chicken taxidermy curiosity for the rest of us!
My belly popped the button off my pants today so donโt tell me my quarantine-cation was uneventful.
someone using bare hands to put salad on a plate is letting you know they’re not here for discussions about etiquette or anything really
Spent the day at the zoo watching animal parents sleeping. Currently building a cage around my house.
Me: Well…my zipper broke.
HR: You still have to wear pants.
Me: *in my underwear*
Honestly I don’t see what the issue is.
*crosses legs*
When I said I liked it rough.
*Riding around with my Abraham Lincoln clone*
Lincoln: *spots a “Children At Play” sign* WE HAVE TO SAVE THEM
guys in LA in their 30s are like โi love going camping, i love sleeping outside.โ and itโs like, ok, why do you bother having your parents pay your rent then?
I made some fish tacos last night.
the ingrates just ignored them and swam away
Ah yes let me just fashion a mask out of a bandana. First Iโll head over to the bandana drawer in my dresser, where I keep my myriad bandanas.
Like sure, yes. Encouraging independent play is good for a kid’s development but like…these people sound like they just want to leave their babies in the wilderness for the wolves to raise
ME FEAR ME (Women want fish)
I wish someone would leave a horseโs head in my bed so that when my kids sneak up on me in the morning, I can be like, BAM, horse’s head.
Before gunpowder, entire wars were fought with nothing but pinecones and latent rage.
Twitter is kinda like my diary except I don’t use a glitter gel pen or tell you guys how much I miss Josh.
Comedians should be funny (agree with my politics) instead of being political (not agreeing with my politics)
Him: My stomach is aching, I knew I shouldnโt have swallowed that rope.
Me: Are you serious?
Him: I shit you knot.