I made some fish tacos last night.
the ingrates just ignored them and swam away
You Might Also Like
Cop: You appear intoxicated. Can you walk this line?
Me: No problem. Stay in the car Grandma
G-ma: Can he use my walker? He’s been drinking.
Stop staring at my chest dude,
It’s like you’ve never seen ‘dual pocket snack holders’ before.
Pushed a 15 year old dog in a stroller and not once did she ask for Cheerios or a juice box.
I just don’t know what to make of people anymore.
-Cannibal who’s out of dinner ideas
I found love at ninja school.
Yeah it just crept up on me and totally took me by surprise.
If I’m so smart, explain to me why I can start the washing machine then five minutes later wonder where that running water sound is coming from.
Day two of homeschooling.
I am leaving my student to fend for herself, so I may hunt for essentials. Like more wine.
I’m not religious, but if someone is turning water into wine, let’s take a second look.
if i ever get an STI, my husband and my boyfriend are gonna have a lot of explaining to do
The wife is approaching! *Close Twitter, close favstar, close youporn, close match .com, delete history, open google and stare at screen
My wife has so many different sighs they should have subtitles.
Queen: Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: Not exactly ON the wall
King: I said I’d do it at the weekend. Get off my back, Sandra
If a child’s survival depended on my ability to share bacon, I would weep greasy, bacony tears at that child’s funeral.
Judge: You’re out of order!
Lawyer: This whole court room is out of order!
*I burst in*
Me: THE VENDING MACHINE IN THE LOBBY IS OUT OF ORDER
Dad: (tears in eyes) you’re going to make a fine dad someday
Son: (tears in eyes) should I make him out of wood or metal
Dad: (just bawling)
The tag on my comforter touched my foot last night and that’s the first and last haunted house I’ll be visiting this year.
The travel toothbrush has to be the greatest invention ever. Can you imagine having to lug around one of those regular heavy ones?
My daughter has been asking for more independence lately so this morning I took her out for breakfast and asked for separate checks.
There is a dude in a fedora sitting next to you on the bus. Is he:
A. a ghost hunter
B. a virgin
C. a sword collector
D. all of the above
My 7yo decided to make his video game character “look like daddy” by making him a grumpy necktie-wearing gorilla covered with gray hair, and I’d be mad but honestly the resemblance is uncanny
[Casio headquarters, 1975]
CEO: We need to make our calculators more versatile. Give me your ideas.
First executive: Maybe they could also be phones?
Second executive, a smoker who often oversleeps: I have a better idea.
When you encounter others on a trail, offer a friendly “hello” or a nod. This helps create a friendly atmosphere. If you approach a trail user from behind, announce yourself in a friendly, calm tone. Yelling “that chipmunk stole my car keys, run for your lives” is not helpful.
Remember that time that thing happened and you laughed when you weren’t supposed to laugh? People are still mad about that.
Looks at today’s news…. hears Benny Hill theme.
Hurry everyone! While Canada is getting baked out of their mind today, I think we can rush in and take all the maple syrup and free health care we can carry.
When I was in high school we had to do an assignment where we kept a food diary and I worked at Baskin Robbins so one night for dinner all I wrote down was 14 waffle cones and 1/2 cup hot fudge and my teacher sent me to the counselor.
Woody: lol u guys! u guys. come hear this shit
Buzz:
Woody: say it again
Buzz: [sighs] to infinity and beyond
Mr. Potatohead: lmao “AnD bEyOnD” does he not understand what infinity means
You ever been talking to someone and go to lean on a wall that’s like 3 inches further away than you thought
What if “my anaconda don’t want none unless you got buns, hun” was just Sir Mix-a-Lot saying that his pet snake is a picky eater and prefers bunnies.
A thick layer of mayonnaise on all your furniture will remove water rings from wood and unwanted guests from your house.