Ran into an ex-girlfriend. We talked, exchanged info, and she said her “insurance would call” me. Someones still carrying a torch!
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has anyone maybe thought to check on the mom?
I tried changing up the way I use the bathroom, so I wiped with my left hand today!
I really wish I used toilet paper instead, though.
FROM THE FIRST BITE YOU CAN TELL CELERY DOESN’T WANT TO BE EATEN
The truth will set you free.*
*In the middle lane of Interstate 25 during rush hour.
I wish I had the confidence of the people strategizing their lottery numbers for five minutes in front of me in line at the gas station.
dinosaur: *seductively* are you a triceratops or a tricerabottom?
Don’t go in the woods alone.
Always bring a slower friend.
I cut the size tags out of my clothes because I disagree.
I hate when my kids and I can’t agree on where we are going for Sunday breakfast, but I love that we all agree I’m not making it.
Why did the thumbs-up become the universal symbol for approval? “hey let me show u my weirdest finger because i’m down with what ur saying”
Breaking News:
I did 3/16th of a complete push-up
“Dude, do you NOT know what a collar on the doorknob means?”
Just wait. All of the Presidents will be on sale tomorrow
Me: How many chicken nuggets do you want tonight?
7yo: 100
Me: As a guide, you usually have 4-6
7yo (thinking): 30
I’ve decided today I’m following the lead of my 2 yr old and I’m just gonna close my eyes so no one can see me.
Probably just poor graphic design…
Still not gonna drink from it.
Jesus was white and spoke English and enjoyed baseball and apple pie and was a churchgoing Christian.
I saw a fat kid sitting on a seesaw all by himself. I stopped and waited for another kid to fall from the sky. I left disappointed.
🎶 Never gonna get you out
Never gonna heat you up
Never gonna remember I wanted to eat you-me, putting leftovers away in the fridge
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
Studies suggests, 9 out of 10 men prefer a girl
with a big butt. The 10th man prefers the other 9
men.
I’m at that age where all of my sentences start like this one.
The Wicked Witch swings a light saber at Obi-Wan just as he throws a water balloon at her. All anyone finds later are piles of clothes.
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
I was wondering how they got the sign to just float in midair like that. Now it makes sense.
The minute you start feeling good about your parenting Stacy from Facebook posts about her son winning the Nobel Peace Prize.
Finding out that my kids take the “freeze” “unfreeze” game seriously might be the greatest moment of my life
*wonders how long they’ll stay frozen for*
Today while I was giving my dog a bath a spider fell out of her fur and ran across the sink. If you need me, I’ll be in therapy for the next 48 years.
[finishing dinner]
her: should we stay for dessert, or you want to back to my place for that 😉
me: *scanning the menu* do you have chocolate souffle at your place?
her: no, but-
me: let’s stay
Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.
Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.