I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
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Reasons to not eat cookies:
– there are no cookies
– you’re trapped under something heavy and can’t reach the cookies.End of list
Shouting “say my name baby” but it’s just me waiting on my takeout order
“Screw you, my face doesn’t look like that at all” – an actual duck.
I am dressed in all grey and a man also dressed in all grey just stared at me and for a second I got very nervous that he thought I was him
So sweet. An A380 playing in the snow.
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No your muscles are too big. I don’t want a boyfriend who makes me exercise.
Thanks for using our drive through. Please park over there and wait 20 minutes and someone will bring out 85% of the stuff you ordered.
HER: A man at work saved someone’s life today.
*flashback to me finding a dollar in the laundry*
ME: I also have big news.
Ever send the wrong emoji and end up with a wife and 2 kids.
Every time a magician graduates from his school and throws his hat in the air at the convocation, PETA sues him for cruelty to rabbits.
Doctor: You have emphysema
Batman: How?
Doctor: Probably from throwing smoke bombs to get out of tough situations
Batman:
Doctor:
Batman: *throws smoke bomb*
This is the goat we had on our business update meeting last week 👀
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I just want to meet a man the old fashioned way: While being exchanged for livestock.
Pro tip: Instead of having kids, just adopt a couple raccoons. They’ll trash your house too, but at least they can feed themselves.
My book group read “Ventriloquism for Dummies” this month. We met in the living room, but it sounded like we were in the kitchen.
Me, dry heaving and wheezing: Everest was a mistake! I’m going to die alone on this godless wasteland
The Sherpa: Miss? We are still in the parking lot
The year 2077. Due to the dog filter, face swap, and distortion filters, senior citizens have no idea what they really looked like as teens.
Marriage isn’t between a man and a woman. It’s between a person who is certain they closed the garage door and a person who is certain they did not close the garage door.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
This is sending me to another galaxy
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I want to know about the Oreo incident…
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Therapist: How would you describe your relationship with your wife?
Me: She told me to tell you it’s fine
You didn’t comment on my selfie.
WHO IS SHE
My wife almost fell down the stairs today and that got us into a heated argument whether my gasp was out of concern or excitement.
Me: It’s the next exit.
Husband: I know! You don’t have to keep telling me. *misses the exit*
With one taste of my signature black velvet cake you discover that it’s a regular red velvet cake that I left in the oven too long.
I’ve never seen Les Misérables, but it looks like a cool movie about people who sing while working at Urban Outfitters.
A person’s true character is revealed when the shrimp tray comes out at a party.
Just a phase…