Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Possible Fact: If you suffer with freezing cold hands, you are contractually obliged to test their temperature by putting them on people.

Her: WHAT?!

Him: *stops walking around* I said, do you like my new shoe horns?

My wife left me by doing the “stairs behind the sofa” thing and never came back

I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I tell her there’re no throw pillows in heaven.

The concept of dominant hands is hilarious to me. That one of our hands is just like no, I’m not helping

Oh, so when other ppl call their pets “fur baby” its fine but when I call a kid a “skin dog” somehow I’m “disgusting” and “the worst pediatrician in this hospital”??

If you want someone to sing 2 seconds before or after they’re supposed to then I’m your girl

(at the gym). Hey can somebody spot me while I walk up the stairs?

got three hours sleep & i fell great! seems li the less less sleep I get the move alarr et u ambdcim

[AGM of potato mashers]

“Tremendous effort this year, guys. Our overall ‘drawer opening smoothly’ prevention rate was 73%. That’s up 11% on last year, thanks to you big stainless steel bastards, but we can’t be complacent while the scourge of people who hang us on hooks remains”

Why even name your cat, it’s not going to listen to you.

[first day as a pharmacist]

CUSTOMER: the antacid I took isn’t working.

ME: *leans in close* that’s cuz you’re not an ant..

be careful out there! #FiftyShadesOfGrey

“My wife and I decided we don’t want to have kids.”
“But…don’t you already have 2?”
“Yeah.”

God: you have terrible eyesight.

Bat: oh no.

God: don’t worry I’ve got a pretty great solution for you.

Bat: sweet!

God: you scream, fly in that direction while you try not to crash into a wall.

Bat:

God:

Bat: I thought you were gonna say glasses or something.

[on drive home]
i cant believe you said “don’t bother” when my dad said he’d be there in spirit
“i don’t want ghosts at our wedding linda”

friend: why are you crying?

me: I’m having trouble dealing my grandma’s passing

grandma: *slinging a football at my head* just catch it, nerd

[first day as hostage negotiater]

me: [taking the phone] yyyyyelllo

[loud explosion from inside the bank]

just got back from time traveling to get hitler kicked out of art school because i hated his paintings. you guys probably don’t even know who I’m talking about huh

Marriage Tip: never go to bed angry.
Go to bed planning your opening rebuttal for the next morning.

5yo: if superman & batman had a big fight, superman could throw him into space where he’d suffocate’. I’m raising a problem solver you guys.

I have this friend who doesn’t post anything on social media. He just lives his life.

I said, “how am I supposed to know what you’re up to?” he said, “ask me”

What a weirdo.

“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit

Lost the library card. Been missing over a month.

Went and got a new library card.

Came home, put library card in a safe place and found old library card in the same spot.

Dad: I took the tooth and put the money under his pillow

Mom: Do you think he’s getting too old for this?

Dad *getting in car* it is harder since he moved out

I think the only job requirement you need to become a TSA agent, is to know how to do a really good eye roll while you’re chewing gum.

A school’s Open House is a great way to find out how many projects you’ll be doing for your kids all year.

“Baby got Baaaa” -Sheep mix a lot

All firemen must dread the moment when they’re done for the day and have to find the strength to climb back up the pole.