I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
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Me: *throws banana peel onto the ground*
Wife: what are you doing?!
Me: what? They’re biodegradable
Wife: *picks peel off the bedroom floor*
MTV Movie Awards comes on in 15 minutes if anyone needs a reason to turn off the TV and go to bed.
KGB: You’re being activated and sent to America. There you will acquire and report all sensitive and relevant intel and relay back to Kremlin
Bear Family: what’s our cover?
KGB: You will sell crap ton of toilet paper
Let me show you how you can claim your dog as a dependent on your tax return.
me: Should I pack condoms?
me*checks into the hotel*
wife*calls friend so they can both laugh*
In hell the Mariachi band never leaves your table.
My dog just ate one of my earbuds gonna blast metal until I get it back
I’m not sure why people limit themselves to snapping wishbones when there are so many excellent human bones for breaking.
honestly it just makes me fat free italian when u tell me salad dressings aren’t a good way to describe emotions
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
I’m writing a book about a future hurricane. It’s only a draft at the moment
Bugs Bunny turns 75 today. Now when he says “What’s up, Doc?” he’s legitimately concerned.
Parents: Don’t put glass near your eyes.
Inventor of eyeglasses: Okay, I tried it and I’m sorry, but you’re not gonna believe this…
I’m beginning to think some of you are not your Avi’s, which makes me sad. I thought I had a unicorn and dinosaur friend.
Working out in the rose garden today and came face to face with a territorial bee, I took a couple of swats at it and pissed it off, now she’s daring me to open the screen door.
Love means never having to say you’re sorry for accidentally bringing home six more cats.
(Show and Tell)
TEACHER: What do you have to show today?
ME: My pet.
TEACHER: Let’s see it then.
ME: Okay! *opens window* CTHULHU!
*the earth begins to shake*
I’m 35 and have never been divorced!!!
I’ve never been married either but at this age you have to focus on the good parts.
I feel like trying new things in bed. Like getting up for instance.
“PARTY FOWL” someone yelled as the drunk duck did another keg stand
trump may have a point about video game violence, ever since skyrim came out i’ve been climbing to high elevations and shouting bears off of cliffs and i don’t think it’s a coincidence
In horror flicks, people say “hello?” when they hear something like a voice is going to reply, “oh hey, it’s me, the murderer.”
Pediatricians should write complementary prescriptions for parents so that when we inevitably wake up with the same thing as our child we can be more prepared.
her: why do you keep your eyes open when you kiss me?
Can I buy you a drink?
“I don’t drink.”
*panics* Oh. Um…well, here’s $12.
My 3yo ran up me so I could protect her while we were playing laser tag, so I picked her up and used her like a shield so I could take her brother out.
‘Dances with Wolves’…
But it’s just me, running around my backyard with an uncooked steak, screaming, while the neighborhood dogs bark.
Time traveling humans are always freaked out by culture changes
If a moose time travels it probably just finds a field to frolic in moosily
bout dat hot dog summer
Silly you… one can’t throw out the baby with the bath water. The baby will clog the drain.