@christweetsllc

ME FEAR ME (Women want fish)

You Might Also Like

@einaregilsson

MC HAMMER: U can’t touch this! … U can’t touch this!
MASSAGE THERAPIST: Please just let me do my job Mr. Hammer!
MC HAMMER: U can’t tou…

@TheWoodenslurpy

You’re a vegetarian who eats fish? I guess that makes sense since bears are basically vegetarians.

@Stellacopter

If you put on a really cute outfit you can walk around a nightclub selling people drinks that you find on tables.

@eddiepepitone

I’m with North Korea when comes to being offended by James Franco and Seth Rogen.

@Lisabug74

The door bell rang, I opened and saw my lost sock lying on the porch. I brought it in quietly and we both decided just to let it go.

@alexlumaga

Facebook: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON! HERE’S YOUR WEDDING!

Me: Christine divorced me

Fb: IT’S BOB’S BIRTHDAY!

Me: He stole Christine

Fb: HERE’S A PHOTO OF YOUR DOG!

Me: They took the dog

Fb: I KNOW

Me: Why are you doing this

Fb: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON

@robdelaney

I’m so sweaty at all times I think it would be biologically accurate to call me amphibious.

@OfficeofSteve

I don’t know why Squirrels are hiding their disgusting acorns when literally no one else eats them

@elunatyk

*gets Ouija board*

Spirits, are there Pringles in the kitchen?