MC HAMMER: U can’t touch this! … U can’t touch this!
MASSAGE THERAPIST: Please just let me do my job Mr. Hammer!
MC HAMMER: U can’t tou…
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If you put on a really cute outfit you can walk around a nightclub selling people drinks that you find on tables.
I’m with North Korea when comes to being offended by James Franco and Seth Rogen.
The door bell rang, I opened and saw my lost sock lying on the porch. I brought it in quietly and we both decided just to let it go.
Facebook: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON! HERE’S YOUR WEDDING!
Me: Christine divorced me
Fb: IT’S BOB’S BIRTHDAY!
Me: He stole Christine
Fb: HERE’S A PHOTO OF YOUR DOG!
Me: They took the dog
Fb: I KNOW
Me: Why are you doing this
Fb: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON
I’m so sweaty at all times I think it would be biologically accurate to call me amphibious.
I don’t know why Squirrels are hiding their disgusting acorns when literally no one else eats them
*gets Ouija board*
Spirits, are there Pringles in the kitchen?