Comedians should be funny (agree with my politics) instead of being political (not agreeing with my politics)
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So a 12 year old told me it’s a good idea to have a bourbon cake. I’ll take no questions at this time.
I’m no blood spatter expert, but by the look of this bathroom floor, you’re pulling your tampons out way too fast.
me: i wish i were the most beautiful person in the world
genie: ok [snaps fingers]
me: [blushing] omg nothing has changed
genie: i tried but you’re just so ugly
GF: that spoon is still dirty
ME: but I just got it out of the dishwasher
GF: I can see the mayo on it
ME: yeah but it’s clean mayo now
Keep this between us, but I’ve snuck Don’t Speak lyrics into every relationship argument I’ve ever had.
For fun, the next time you
have an attractive waitress-Order a “quickie”
then act surprised when she
tells you it’s pronounced “quiche”
I thought my pores were finally getting smaller, but it turns out my eyes were just getting worse.
#TopTip
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next time you are washing your hands next to somebody…
cup your hands together until the water overflows.
then look at them and say:
This water is getting out of hand
Men: Remember that time…
Women: Yes
If there’s a line up for the hand dryer you can always use the persons shirt in front of you
Me: Do you wear clothes under your robe because otherwise it would be too itchy?
Attorney: My client means, “not guilty,” Your Honor.
Is there any rejection more humiliating than when you try to tickle someone and it doesn’t work
client: i’m nervous
attorney: relax
prosecutor: the defendant is guilty
attorney: oh my god [looks at client]
client: what
attorney: you said you were innocent
My hot neighbor said hi to me but not my girlfriend. This shouldn’t be a problem at all
If I had to be a dominatrix (not appealing to me) I’d just be like, “Go stand in the corner. Do it!!” then play on my phone for the rest of the session.
Level of high: 7/10
Welcome to The News. Tonight’s top story: you know that thing you love? It’s terrible and you’re terrible. Thanks,
*gets served divorce papers during the reception*
There should be an energy drink named 6 AM toddler.
People who say ‘be careful what you wish for’ have obviously never wished for free, unprotected, unlimited wifi from their neighbor.
My teen daughter: “Mom, check out the new shirt I bought! It was only $3.00!!”
Me: “It’s because the bottom half is missing.”
[yard sale]
Cop: We’re here to question you about your neighbor’s missing…is that a gun? We’re going to have to take that.Me: *pulls out sack* Ok but you have to take the lamp with blood on it too. No haggling.
Everyone’s gangsta till you’re waiting on your dog to poop.
COP: *draws gun*
PARTNER: *looking over his shoulder* Someone needs to go to art school. Looks like a platypus.
At the end of “Grease,” the car just started flying and everyone was all, “Aw, good for them.”
[My first 4th of July in the States]
Me: so when do we fight the aliens?
Friend: umm, it’s just fireworks and pie.
Me: this is bullshit
I do this awesome move at the dance club with my shoulders where i slump them down and go back to my hotel and violently masturbate
If you find a fry on the floor and you don’t share it with me, we can’t be friends. Don’t touch me. Monster.
tinder girl: are you just copy and pasting your responses to other women?
me: lol you’re hilarious. i didn’t grow up in the area but love the music scene out here haha
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.