Comedians should be funny (agree with my politics) instead of being political (not agreeing with my politics)
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Last night, during dinner, my 7 year old son said….
I need a pen and paper to write down the recipe for this so that when I have children I can make it for them because it’s really nice.
So apparently, he has his whole life planned out, including meals.
Me: I’ve found a needle in the haystack! Only took 3 hours.
Her: no this is a 3/4 inch, I need a 5/8’s.
Me: *begins searching again* you really need a better place to store these.
embarrassed bc i’m walking down the sidewalk and a rat is just like walking next to@me and it looks like we’re together
I used to race motorcycles. Man, those things are a lot faster than me.
HR asked me to justify my position but I really couldn’t explain why I was just standing there.
Controlling my life lately has been like trying to fit an alligator for a retainer.
All my money goes to the poor…poor me.
Was reminded yesterday that this exists so I’m dusting it off
My mom asked me to pick her up from the airport. I know she raised me, but if I do this, we’re even.
If the question is how many toothbrushes can my 2yo fit in his mouth at the same time before I catch him. The answer is 4.
Me: Ugh how can people live like this?!
Him: This is our house.
Me: What the Hell happened?
Him: We had kids.
Me: Oh. Right.
[son on his wedding day] dad what’s the best part of marriage?
[thinking about how there’s always bananas in the house] her smile
I can make it rain with these here birthing hips.
As in I keep knocking the papers off my desk every time I walk by it.
it’s a van. how do they not know this
my kid thinks that if you go to the same drive thru twice in a day you have to wear a disguise so they don’t know it’s you
snack time! which shapeless, wiggly treat would you rather?
SALMON: Who has been spreading gossip I thought I could trust you two
TROUT: I don’t know, who could it be?!
BIG MOUTH BASS: Yeah, who??
[every morning]
Me: Want to go outside?
Dog:
Me: Outside?
Dog:
Me: Go outside?
Dog:
Me: Let’s go outside!
Dog:
Me: Fine.
Dog:
Me: [gets coffee and sits on couch]
Dog: I need to go outside.
If you give someone some Beethoven CDs for a gift and they don’t like it, you can always take them Bach
olympic swim laps would get faster if they held swimming during winter olympics
Mom texted that she’s enjoying a no tech day, and I think it may be time to explain some things to her.
My parenting style can best be described as “Go help your sister.”
HEARTWARMING! Celebs get together to sing ‘Imagine’ and flush all their unused COVID-19 tests down the toilet
I like how this car asks me if it’s safe to move in reverse.
WHERE WERE YOU WHEN I WAS GETTING MARRIED???
With the proper diet and lack of exercise, you can turn any jeans into skinny jeans.
There’s a 92-year-old winning on Wheel of Fortune. When I’m 92, I’ll be happy if I still remember the letters of the alphabet.
the only difference between 15 year old me and current me is that if i fell off of a skateboard now i would die.
Hey girl are you soy sauce because you always “no MSG” me back
*cheats at bowling by rolling into the pins*
My husband was unable to find his coat earlier as he’d accidentally hung it up.