Sloth 911: What’s your emergency
[1 week later]
Sloth: I’VE BEEN SHOT
[1 week later]
Sloth 911: DON’T MOVE! We’ll be there in a month
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What is your favorite movie about juice from a beetle?
my goal weight is my current weight + 1.5lbs of steamed crab legs
The best part about diet and exercise plans is the research phase. Which is why I stop there
On Facebook:
Them: Look! We’re at the beach!
Me: Look! I’m in your house!
WARNING: Local youths in the park are asking passers-by to audition for the remake of Aquaman. DON’T DO IT. They filmed my audition and posted it on youtube under the title, “We tricked this guy to climb into the park fountain”. I AM 99% SURE THEY ARE NOT REAL HOLLYWOOD PRODUCERS
If you accidentally get stuck holding the door for a bunch of people. 1. Relax 2. Accept your fate 3. You are part of the building now
5 year old: Where does wind come from, daddy?
Me: It comes from people asking too many questions.
Never thought I’d need to say ‘don’t lick the paint’ to a 14 year old, yet here we are.
if dolly were in the holy bible she’d be in charge of parton the red seas.
Unsolved Mysteries: We don’t know what happened, and now neither do you.
Blinded by the light is really just a song about turning the bathroom light on in the middle of the night.
BULLY: [rolling up sleeves] you wanna take this outside?
ME: yes, yes i do. it’s so beautiful out there today. a truly gorgeous day
Sperm Can’t Remember Why It Came Into Womb
[courtroom]
me: good morning, Judge McDonald
Judge: you will address the court properly
Me:
Judge: or be found in contempt
Me: Good morning, Your Ronald
If we get to have sex with our valentines on Valentine’s Day I can’t wait until Presidents’ Day.
The ladies call me Space Mountain…
…cause I’m a 5 hour wait and a 3 minute ride.
Wooooohhhhooooo!!!
forget nudes: in 2019 we’re sending pics in our fanciest attire. gauzy floral skirts. ball gowns. the kind of fur coat worn by a wealthy lady who has been thrice-widowed and hasn’t seen her fourth husband in some time.
*Toddler grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, son.
*Husband grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, hon.
My 3yo biggest talent right now is threats. Yesterday my husband and him were sliding in socks and my husband slid when it was 3yos turn and he got mad and yelled “I’m going to bake your feet into pies and then you won’t be able to slide at all bc your feet will be pies
Umm..I don’t want to be “that inmate,” but could you tell the chef that this needs more salt.
How many times does it have to be aliens before Scully believes? How many times does it have to be a guy in a mask before Shaggy doesn’t?
I know that when my husband gets home late tonight he’s going to eat all the chips so this leaves me with no choice but to eat all the chips first
I wrote a Facebook status asking what’s happening in Young Sheldon and then unfriended everyone who replied.
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video
IRS: hey time to do taxes guess how much you owe
Me: i don’t want to guess can you just tell me
IRS: …
Me: hello?
IRS: i’m thinking of a number between one and jail
Last week, my dog rolled a ball into a sewer drain and it was gone. I just found it on the street. What is the clown-thanking etiquette?
My dad’s visiting soon, which means I need to practice apologizing to waiters with my eyes.
She didn’t believe I was single so I showed her my bathroom with the Metallica poster
Me: pew pew…pew pew pew
Guy at next urinal: Please stop
Not sure who graded these eggs as Extra-Large, but I’m guessing it was a guy.