(loudly in my apartment in case there’s a murderer here) I love murderers
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Cats are tough negotiators, they leave nothing on the table.
CEO of KFC: “We must always respect our customers. That is so important.”
Ian: “Shall we still serve them food in a bucket?”
CEO: “Yes.”
A rap song where I’m just telling my dog about my day & I keep rhyming with “treats” so he stays interested.
[me, watching sports] ah yes, go ball
Her: I chose you for your brains
Me: aww
Her: in case I ever become a zombie
Cooking/baking shows need a normal guy in the corner for context
Everything else would seem a lot more impressive if you could also see me accidentally setting fire to myself again in the background
If people aren’t honking at you to go on the green light, you aren’t doing social media right.
After I spent my entire one on one with my boss talking about my love of serial killer documentaries, he suddenly stopped micromanaging me so much… weird.
[couples therapy]
Mrs: he’s too handsy, always touching me all over…
Mr: [who is an octopus] I CANT HELP IT LINDA IM LIKE 90% HANDS…
If you gain 4lbs in one weekend that just means you’re an overachiever.
there’s two types of people inthe world: cops who are a week from retirement and robbers who want to go straight but have to do one last job
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: IT’S-A ME, MARIO!
CHRIS PRATT: IT IS ME, MARIO
DIRECTOR: … better.
GUY WHO INVENTED CELEBRATING BIRTHDAYS: *is born* Ok wow like what an accomplishment
MOTHER: For me?
GUY: N- HELL no. For me. Please shut up
Century: 100 years.
Decade: 10 years
Lustrum: 5 years.
Together forever and ever and ever: 2 weeks.
By the end of their life, everyone will have appeared in at least two Fast & Furious movies
Me: Okay, 5yo, are you ready for your morning math lesson?
5yo: Hold on. Let me get my laser gun.
Me:
The best way to break up with your vampire boyfriend is over a stake dinner.
Before I drop my kids off at school, I ask if they’re ready to be yeeted out of the car, and they all start chanting, “YEET, YEET YEET…” So yeah… pretty sure I’ve peaked.
Day drinking poolside. There’s literally nothing that could ruin this moment.
“MOMMY WATCH THIS!”
You can even hide a dead body in Terms & Conditions, No one will ever know.
“One should never name drop”
The Queen told me that
I want an HGTV show called “How Do You Like Your Open Concept Now?”
I just passed the cutest kitten.
It was much easier than swallowing it.
Preacher: He who lives by the sword shall die by the sword
Me: *sweating*
My neighbor (who is an actual sword): *glares at me from the end of the pew*
I don’t get to work from home but that won’t stop me from showing up in my bathrobe.
Does this dress make me look cat?
you’re never too old to achieve your dreams. prince charles is 73 and he just got his first job.
Me: [Walks into kitchen]
[Evil spirit flings open all the cabinet doors]
Me: [Gasps]
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I still have Pringles?
*screams “I don’t speak Mandarin!!!”
*the oranges finally shut up
Trying to break up with an optician, but every time I say I can’t see you anymore, she moves an inch closer and says “how about now?”