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I texted 8 on his iPad and asked him to call me and he said “I don’t have app for that” and I said USE A PHONE and he said “oh” and this is who’s supposed to take care me me when I’m old.
Walking around Boston lost and I turned on Google maps and started walking while looking at it. Walked straight into a stop sign.
God: the quarterly meeting of 2020 will come to order
Satan: under new business please add timing to release 4th horseman of the apocalypse
G: this is the last time I bet with you on the winner of Dancing with the Stars
S: LOL
G: LOL
Her: Can I sit down & join you?
Me: Be careful. I’m bad luck.
Her: Oh, no you’re not!
Me: (Sigh) You just sat on some gum…
“Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free. Unless they’re darker than, say, beige.”- Statue of Liberty.
Thank you, Internet.
Thank you.
My doctor pulled me aside and asked why I had so many scratches on me and never in my life have I felt more like a teenage boy than when I sheepishly explained it was because last weekend was wrestlemania and I was practicing wrestling moves with my friend.
Hi everyone! Welcome to AA. This is a “judgment free” zone…unless we’re talking about Janice who ate all the cookies last week.
Ancient proverbs say “Nobody sleeps when the cat’s bowl is empty”.
I took biscuits with me on a date once.
She called me a weirdo and said that biscuits was a stupid name for a cat.
They say, every transformation makes you a new person.
But they don’t tell us where & how to dispose off the body
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: weird but ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello soda
My cause of death will probably be something stupid like, she was running from a swarm of bees and got hit by a dumptruck.
when someone replies to a locked account it’s like watching Han talk to Chewie
[kidnapping]
BOSS: Tape his mouth shut.
ME: [puts tiny strip of tape on the hostages mouth]
BOSS: Are you stupid? Put more on.
ME: Oh I’m sorry I forgot tape doesn’t cost money.
KFC Cashier: I hope your family enjoys this 12 piece meal
Me: Family?
Fries, not lies.
God: let’s put berries on bushes
Angel: Yeah that will be easy food for humans
God: Make some poisonous
Angel: why
God: it’s like a game
Her: Why don’t you ever discuss politics with me?
Me: Because I respect your right to be wrong.
If I’ve learned any thing from dogs and cats, it’s that you can rub your head on people when you want attention.
this is the most terrifying thing a parent has ever made for their child
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
I’ve never dated a man for his mind, but I would if I ever met a man that had one.
Why did the cup of tea I made you explode in your face?
I used Michael Bay leaves.
I’ll leave.
Before twitter I would walk into a room and forget what I went in there for.
Now, I don’t even walk into the right room
Hockey is a sport where people use feet knives to walk so they can score a goal with a tiny hamburger.
saw girl I have crush on with her new fiance at Ikea but you know what they say, when God closes a Stǿrås Innjørdën he opens a Főnstǝrviviǵ
Maybe all the vampires are always so angry and biting people because they can never eat any lasagne or spaghetti or anything that has garlic in it. Did you ever think about that? No you always think about yourself!
Hubs: If you could sleep with…
Me: THOR!!!
Hubs: …the fan off tonight, that’d be great.
Me: Ohhhh…
What if we’re all misreading this photo and the lobsterwoman is so powerful that she’s actually summoning a lobster out of the ocean into the boat.