Customer Service: “Would you take a minute to fill out this survey?”
Me: “Wouldn’t you rather save that for someone you actually helped?”
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One of my children is crying because we don’t have a third floor in our house.
We also don’t have a second floor.
[guy inventing wicker furniture]
think I might knit myself a chair
My home pregnancy test came back negative.
I guess my house is just getting fat.
Women’s magazine
Page 14: accept yourself as you are
Page 15: how to lose 5 Kg in 2 weeks
Page 16: best cake recipes ever..
guys named stephen “can’t ephen.”
My 3yo and 4yo are screaming at each other about privacy. Isn’t it ironic?
Axl Rose: Where do we go?
Me: Left
Axl: Where do we go now?
Me: Straight.
Axl: Oh, where do we go now?
Me: Damn it, Axl, let me drive!
1997: Skynet becomes self-aware
2029: T-1s are sent to kill Sarah Connor
2034: Warranty expires on T-1s. 99% of them break down within hours
Pulled off my t-shirt too fast and made my glasses disappear. I’m now available for bookings.
Beer before liquor never been sicker. Taco Bell before wine no 69
[Tour of an olive oil factory]
Guide: This is where we squash the olives.[Tour of a baby oil factory]
Guide: You don’t want to go in there
*gf breaks up w/ me*
me: [running on platform alongside train as she rides away]
IS IT BECAUSE I SAY EX-SQUEEZE-ME INSTEAD OF EXCUSE ME?
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me:
Teen: [returns to bedroom]
Me: [starts reorganizing baking pans]
Target had a credit card breach? But only with in-store purchases, not online? More proof you’re better off staying home with no pants on.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who told you to kill a spider then realized you used her shoe
A woman at my gym tonight told me my kids look just like me because they inherited my “small face.” Can somebody help me out, because I just really need to know if I should be offended.
Me, day twenty of law school:
Your diligence, the prosecution rests.
Judge: Counselor, for the third time…you are the defense.
Me: Shit! Can I go again?
hitman: *assassinates banana* oh wait this is my shopping list
HYPNOTIST: YOU ARE FEELING SLEEPY
ME: kinda safe bet there
HYPNOTIST: YOU WILL DANCE LIKE AN OCTOPUS
ME: again, still no surprises.
People who say “adorbs” make me miserbs
[1st date, don’t let her know you’re a panda]
“Do u mind if I ask how you got the um *gestures at eyes*
These? I..*rubs neck* cage fighting
Me: I just murdered Frank Sinatra
Cop: What?? He’s been dead for years
Me: I was at the karaoke bar
Cop: Oh I see lol
Me *puzzled* who the hell did I kill?
Friend: Let’s get together! What’s your calendar look like next week?
Me: Same picture of a dog on it till next month
Use Angie’s List if you want a plumber to come over.
Use Craigslist if you want that plumber to come over with no pants.
ohh u don’t think my farm is real cuz the only crop i’m growing is burritos well pls excuse me while i cry into this fresh hot tortilla
Role playing in the bedroom was fun until my wife gave me a speeding ticket.
she’s going to make a soup or a hearthy stew perhaps
I Just Watched The Simpsons For The First Time. Bart’s Grades Are… Disturbing
The reason Latin is a dead language is because they kept accidentally summoning demons during regular conversations
My sister got my 5 year old some glitter slime- that’s right, it’s got glitter AND it’s slime.
She has kids of her own, so it must be that I wronged her in some life-changing and tragic way.
So I’ll be over here trying to figure out what I did to her.