1997: Skynet becomes self-aware
2029: T-1s are sent to kill Sarah Connor
2034: Warranty expires on T-1s. 99% of them break down within hours

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When someone tells me to ‘Take Care’ I’m all like: Are you threatening me muthafucker? Then we laugh & laugh & then I kill’em, just in case.


I have come up with the most awkward event of all time: the Father-Son wedding dance.


If you come up to my bedroom door and find a sock on the knob it means I’m having sex.

Probably with the other sock.


Remember, it’s not a real paleo diet unless you’re eating mammoth every day.


As an ultimate act of selflessness, someday I will travel to a 3rd world country and adopt a small, less fortunate highway.


‘What’s that smell?’

‘I think a squirrel died in the walls.’

‘This is your car’


Being a man in biblical times must’ve been hard. You’re busy then your wife says, “Someone parted the Red Sea & you’re here watching sheep.”


I’m speeding because I have to get there before I forget where I’m going.


The only thing I’ve learned from scary movies is to avoid pale children