@samalmightysam When someone tells me to ‘Take Care’ I’m all like: Are you threatening me muthafucker? Then we laugh & laugh & then I kill’em, just in case.
@armyVet1972 1997: Skynet becomes self-aware
2029: T-1s are sent to kill Sarah Connor
2034: Warranty expires on T-1s. 99% of them break down within hours
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@samalmightysam 
@Home_Halfway I have come up with the most awkward event of all time: the Father-Son wedding dance.
@miilkkk If you come up to my bedroom door and find a sock on the knob it means I’m having sex.
Probably with the other sock.
@FatherWithTwins Remember, it’s not a real paleo diet unless you’re eating mammoth every day.
@daemonic3 As an ultimate act of selflessness, someday I will travel to a 3rd world country and adopt a small, less fortunate highway.
@azedand2knots ‘What’s that smell?’
‘I think a squirrel died in the walls.’
‘This is your car’
@nerdcula Being a man in biblical times must’ve been hard. You’re busy then your wife says, “Someone parted the Red Sea & you’re here watching sheep.”
@TheWriteStuff2u I’m speeding because I have to get there before I forget where I’m going.
@shutupheav The only thing I’ve learned from scary movies is to avoid pale children
@slimmy_shady Every chair is a reclining chair when you’re drunk.