1997: Skynet becomes self-aware
2029: T-1s are sent to kill Sarah Connor
2034: Warranty expires on T-1s. 99% of them break down within hours
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Whenever my kid’s teacher asks how I’m doing, I always want to reply, “Why? What did my kid tell you?”
[Plastic surgeon’s office]
Duck: this is bullshit! *flies out window*
Secretary: what the hell was that?
Plastic Surgeon: He was upset about his bill
I’m having trouble perfecting my dating profile
My husband isn’t helping with the wording as much as I’d hoped
Ted Mosby, in the year 2030, told the story of how he met his children’s mother and HE NEVER MENTIONED THE CORONAVIRUS ONCE
I just went to the all-you-can-eat buffet at Ceasars Palace and ate so many different meats, it’s like Noah’s Ark rught now in my stomach.
I did not take a DNA test…
Turns out I’m am 100% not caring what I am…
In Harry Potter, a scar on your forehead means you’re a hero. In real life, a scar on your forehead means you got drunk & lack coordination.
me: omg why are you so obsessed with me
cop: because you ran over 4 people back there
Ok this TV character is expecting an important phone call from the kidnapper and they haven’t gotten once single spam call the whole time.
Must be nice.
– Do you have photos of your girlfriend naked?
-No.
– Do you want some?
Me: Can I please have a stack of Italian pancakes?
Wife: you know damn well it’s called lasagna
date: I’m sick of bad boys, I want something more
me: *puts Bad Boys 2 into the VCR* this is gunna blow your mind
[standing at the hospital nursery window with other new parents]
ME: this zoo is terrible
My neighbor’s looking at me like she’s never seen a guy stuck in her doggy door before. And what’s with the screaming? And the golf club?!
Ask her if she’s sure she doesn’t want to order a salad… Girls love to be called fat!
With the amount of hairs falling out of my head daily, it’s amazing I haven’t been implicated in any local crime scenes.
What idiot decided to call them koalas instead of awww-stralians?
Fun fact: if you say “I did the math,” nobody argues with you because they don’t want to have to redo the math themselves.
You: Be kind. Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Me, wearing a shirt that says “I am battling the moon and it is not a secret”: Ok.
This new thesaurus isn’t just terrible, it’s also terrible.
If by ‘the Hamptons’ you mean ‘my pajamas’, then yes, I absolutely weekend in the Hamptons.
6yo has two pregnant Barbies and one Ken doll. You could cut the tension in the Barbie camper with a tiny stiletto.
wife: do u want a glass of water?
me: of what?
wife: water
me: a glass of what?
wife: oh my god. *sighs* earth soup
infomercial: has this ever happened to yo-
me: no
infomercial: [people failing miserably at everyday tasks]
me: ok listen here
“People who shed hair should clean up their hair”
14yo horrified, cleaning bathrooms for the first time in his life.
99% of my news comes from Twitter. All I know is that Adam Levine cooked a chicken in Nyquil and then called its body absurd?
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
[phobia support group]
host: i see we have someone new tonight. everyone say hi and give a big wave to our new member.
me: [tearing up]
host: it’s ok, what phobia brings you in today?
me: tsunamis
That awful panicky feeling of getting your face stuck in a turtleneck, but if it happened slowly over years, is basically how relationships feel.
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?