@armyVet1972

1997: Skynet becomes self-aware
2029: T-1s are sent to kill Sarah Connor
2034: Warranty expires on T-1s. 99% of them break down within hours

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@House_Feminist

“They say some of history’s greatest minds could function on very little sleep” I explain to squirrel as I water the car at 4am

@BlindChow

Karen, will you marry me?

“Ugh. No. Please take me home.”

*20 minutes of awkward silence as hot air balloon slowly descends*

@QwertyJones3

An opossum is just a regular possum that reenacts the diner scene from When Harry Met Sally.

@blade_funner

Me: [talking to millenials] When I was your age, dragons roamed the earth. Magic was real. There were only three Star Wars movies.

@briancthayer

*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*

Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.

@Tmoney68

[Last supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*plays Montell Jordan* THIS IS HOW WE DO IT
*Apostles go nuts*

@david8hughes

When I see a guy sleeping on an unfolded cardboard box, I never know if he’s homeless or just tired from breakdancing.

@ghostkrogh

me (on desert island): good thing i was able to grab this CD player & my 5 fav CDs
other survivor: I saw you put down bread & pick those up