Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@House_Feminist

“They say some of history’s greatest minds could function on very little sleep” I explain to squirrel as I water the car at 4am

@BlindChow

Karen, will you marry me?

“Ugh. No. Please take me home.”

*20 minutes of awkward silence as hot air balloon slowly descends*

@QwertyJones3

An opossum is just a regular possum that reenacts the diner scene from When Harry Met Sally.

@TXRednation01

Passed by a old school Math example today.

@blade_funner

Me: [talking to millenials] When I was your age, dragons roamed the earth. Magic was real. There were only three Star Wars movies.

@briancthayer

*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*

Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.

@Tmoney68

[Last supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*plays Montell Jordan* THIS IS HOW WE DO IT
*Apostles go nuts*

@david8hughes

When I see a guy sleeping on an unfolded cardboard box, I never know if he’s homeless or just tired from breakdancing.

@Proxic0n

Oceanography is all about current events

@ghostkrogh

me (on desert island): good thing i was able to grab this CD player & my 5 fav CDs
other survivor: I saw you put down bread & pick those up