Whenever a boomer asks if I know who a musician is, I just confidently say they were in Fleetwood Mac, cause it’s probably true
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I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
alien: [emerges from wrecked ufo] i need help
me: we got our own problems
People who think getting friendzoned is bad have clearly never been Autozoned.
I take the Benadryl to fight the allergies.
I take the coffee to fight the Benadryl.
I take the whiskey to fight the coffee.
I pet the cat because the whiskey makes me forgetful.
The cat gives me the allergies…
♾
Thought I saw a brownie walk by but it was just my dog. Other than that, diet is going well.
ERMAHGERD YOO GIZE…
Me: What’s your name please?
Customer: Hal
Me: I never met a Hal What’s that short for?
Customer: Harold
Me: I’m gonna go ahead and write Hallelujah
Boss: Could you ever just don’t?
The worst time to find out your parents are dead is probably right after you’ve taken a large hit from helium balloon.
Therapist: what’s your biggest fear?
Me: being alone
Therapist [getting tarantula out of box]: guess again idiot
space horror is the best horror. what’s out there? no one knows! big rocks. creepy things. sticky things. math! stuff on fire. big holes. big holes with math in them.
Costco often changes the floor plan to keep the animals engaged as they search for their next meal.
Hogwarts doesn’t teach anything but magic because if one wizard learns law the school with a child-bludgeoning tree is the first thing getting sued.
Had to quit my Uber Eats job, turns out they keep track of how many orders you report “flew out the window,” and “all of them” is too many.
Hot pies in your area want you to snatch them off the windowsill
[fight scene – me and a murderer kick a gun across the room and grapple for it]
me: [reaching under couch] shit
murderer: let me try i have longer arms
me: you do not
murderer: do too. stand up
[we measure arm length]
me: wow
murderer: yeah i got like a 6’3” wingspan
I’m thankful my wife harvested over $100,000 in potatoes on Farmville while I ate a grilled cheese for dinner & am sleeping on dirty laundry
Today’s office game is “Am I having auditory hallucinations in the bathroom or is someone sitting in the big stall watching videos on their phone?”
My dad thinks I have so much free time that he bought me a book of 1000 dot-to-dot puzzles to “keep me busy”
Walk around with the same confidence of a toddler who has chosen their own clothes.
Forgot to take off my makeup and woke up looking like Cyndi Lauper from 1983.
Ok so my grandmother is going on holiday on Friday, wants me to water her plants while she’s away & should never use emojis.
Looking at food photos online may help curb overeating: study
*sees a ghost*
omg dont haunt me please i dont wana b scared
“dude i literaly experienced the horors of death so maybe this isnt about you”
I know I’m short but if you ever try to pat me on the head I will bite your ankles
Don’t leave me hanging, Larry
Yes sex is good but have you ever made someone super mad online and then go to sleep?
Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups are my birthstone.
A Serial Killer Known For Ripping Out Tounges Entered The Buzzfeed Office And What He Did Next Left Us Speechless
I could never argue with evolution. No telling how many situations have had me ready to throw my own shit.
“Bring forth the sacrifice. The ritual must proceed.”