When I see the lyrics to a song I’ve been singing wrong the whole time.
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What is a Sherpa?
“Let me summit up for you.”
Dog: You’re back!
Me: Yes
Dog: I missed you so much!
Me: Aww, that’s sweet
Dog: Seriously, I almost died of loneliness
Me: Okay, but I was in the bathroom for like a minute
Dog: DON’T. EVER. LEAVE. ME. AGAIN!
DAVID BLAINE: *cracks open egg, butterfly flies out*
ME: cmon man
DB: *cracks open 2nd egg, 9 of clubs pops out*
ME: I’m so hungry, David
[Don’t let hot barrista know I’m a goose]
“Can I get you a coffee?”
Just a honk chonklate for me
“A what?”
CHOCOLATE, a hot chocolate plz.
Kids want to play with the box the toys come out of.
Men want to play with the box the kids come out of.
I wonder if deer are sometimes like OMG THE TREES THAT SMELL LIKE MOUNTAIN DEW ARE SHOOTING AT US
After a failed college project to fight hunger, Clark decided to focus on fighting crime and thereby dropping a p from Supperman.
[first date]
ME: so which movie do you think will win the oscar
DATE: Get Out
ME: *leaves*
If you’re worried that technology will take over remember humans develop technology & we’re surprised how hot it is in the summer. Always.
my daddy woke me up at 7:30am to tell me the windows were down on my car so of course i thought there was another car for me outside💀 na i really left my windows down…
Somewhere, there is an employee specifically designing the bags of very small screws and hardware that fling their contents across the room when you try to open them. I will one day find something with your scent, and release the hounds upon you.
[The Gorge in the Pride lands]
Water buffalo 1: *tramples over Mufasa* Didn’t we go to that guy’s baby shower?
Water buffalo 2: *shrugs*
I want my leggings so high waisted I can pull them up over my head and wear them as a hood
Me: Should I be concerned that this tomato was genetically modified?
Tomato: No.
BARTENDER: what can i get you
MOTH: gimme a bug light
Is my bath bomb supposed to be ticking?
Good foods can release dopamine which the brain can interpret as attraction and totally unrelated I made you some chicken parm & fried risotto balls & crispy grilled potatoes & baked you this cake. And an apple pie & cookies and I baked you a loaf of bread for no reason at all
Date: so you’re a handyman?
Me: no I just do odd jobs
Date: like what
Me: yesterday I taught a duck karate
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He was allergic to bees. His shoes smelled like old bananas.
*gets period*
“So that’s why I’ve been in a mood for the last 24 days.”
Marriage vows in the future will include things like “During pandemics, I promise not to judge how many glasses of wine you drink.”
Her: Even if I was trapped on a desert island with you, I still wouldn’t have sex with you.
Me: You’re thinking about sex in that situation? What is wrong with you? WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO FOR FOOD, BRENDA?
DAD: please help find my daughter
DETECTIVE: what does she look like
DAD: [scrolling thru 9,674 selfies of her with snapchat filters] I D… I DON’T KNOW
Oh my god y’all. I watched a woman attempt to go through airport security with ten fully inflated helium birthday balloons. She kept shoving them into the conveyor belt to the scanner but they just kept popping back out like a cartoon. Yes this happened in florida.
We were smoking in my friend’s basement once and as I finished rolling up a 3rd blunt my friend goes “oh man, I’ve never smoked 3 blunts in one sitting before” to which I replied “Billy we smoked 4 blunts last weekend.”
He was like “yeah, but never 3”
We have family pictures in 10 days. If everyone starts getting ready now we can still be late.
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
I like eating Nerds because I’m secretly hungry for aquarium gravel and this takes the edge off.
My son to me, describing waking up without clothes on in the hospital after surgery when he was 6: “You have no idea what it feels like to wake up naked in a strange bed with no idea how you got there.”
Me: “Sure I don’t.”
[Carpool]
Me: Look, it’s a long commute and I only have time to eat in the car
Co-worker: But I can’t see the road over your fajita station
Me: *chewing* Sounds like a you problem