Never heard of the diseases mani and pedi, but she says she needs a cure for them.
You Might Also Like
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: 24 glasses of milk
Cop: Milk? Why were you driving so erratically?
Me: I was hoping I’d get pulled over so I could brag
Karate isn’t always the solution but when it is, it’s the ONLY solution
I once snuck my cat into a grocery store just to show him what a lazy hunter I am.
“Treat yourself,” they say.
“No, wait—not like that—”
But it is too late. I have baked myself into an eclair
Juliet: and, if you forget my fries, don’t bother climbing back up
so what are you guys doing for the other 3/4ths of july
Coworker: Guess what I’m doing this weekend.
Me: No
him: hi, I’m Tom
me: nice to meet you uhh…
my brain: cmon he literally just said his name 3 seconds ago
me: m…mom
Autocorrect changed “velvet” into “violent” so now I’m teaching this cake kung fu.
When my wife and I married we both agreed we would never go to sleep angry.
Neither of us has slept in 16 years.
my friends and all our dads listening to the laser tag employee give the instructions:
Ref: Call it in the air..
*flips coin*
Me: A QUARTER.
Someone called me fat and I’m like first of all, if I didn’t want my pizza getting cold, I would so fight you right now.
I miss Taco Bell so much that tonight I drank a bottle of gorilla laxative.
“I don’t see things as half full or half empty. I try to be optimistic!”
-Me explaining to my husband why I ran out of gas.
Aragorn: If I can protect you, I will. You have my sword
Legolas: And you have my bow
Gimli: and my axe
Steve: and my 439 Twitter followers
Ok but how old is your child in minutes?
9: I’m going to live with you guys forever
me: I don’t ever want to hear those words come out of your mouth again
P: …
M: …
P: Coal?
M: I was trying to make a diamond.
Proctologist: But that’s not how…
Me: I’m very uptight.
John Hammond: *proudly* At Jurassic Park, we spare no expense
Me: So where’s all the security?
John Hammond: We had one guy but he got eaten so we’re on our own
5yo: Mom is 47!
Husband: She doesn’t look a day over 40.
Me: I’m 37.
My partner is a nurse and I met her at a hospital I visited to fix a broken nose. I told her I broke my nose during a fight protecting my best friend. In reality though, I had gone out for a jog and decided to close my eyes for 10 seconds and ran face first into a tree.
If a man strikes thee on one cheek, turn to him the other. Then, having shown thyself impregnable to cheek attack, beat the crap out of him.
At some point, you’d think there’d be a governmental inquiry into the excessively high escape rate of Gotham City’s penitentiaries.
“Hey kids, you like candy?” I said to my own kids, luring them into my van so I could get them to school and be at work on time.
thank god Hinge doesn’t do a year end wrapped. I would have to walk into the sea with pockets full of stones
The lid on our bottle of glitter is not childproof. I know this now.
*hears Siren’s song*
*eyes glaze*
*walks in a trance ten miles*
*breaks window to donut shop*I’m here, Mistress.
*eats everything*
*dies*
Do all gothic horror stories have to be in ancestral family homes? I am too poor for generational hauntings.
me: babe come quick
wife: what?
me: just hurry
wife: no, it’s always something dumb
me: not this time
*wife walks into living room*
me: i put the dog in a suit
wife: i want a divorce
me: k but my lawyer’s a ruff negotiator