911: what’s your emergency?
me: what’s YOUR emergency?
911: *starts crying* omg no one’s ever asked me that before!
me: jk I’ve been stabbed
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HER: Did you see the lunar eclipse?
ME: I would miss Jesus Christ himself returning in a cloud of flames if it happened before 7 a.m.
Stayed up to watch the clock go from 1:59 to 1:00 am because you know, time travel
A baby was born laughing really hard with it’s fists closed! The confused Doctor unfolded it’s tiny fingers, & found a birth control pill.
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
If you really loved me, you’d punch bumblebees, buy me a pot belly pig and wash my Jeep with your ferret.
Saying it, is just words.
I used 5 different things as a napkin today and one of them was my neighbour.
“This sunscreen smells like eggs.” -me, drunk at the lake and smearing myself with mayonnaise
The secret to sustaining a happy marriage is to keep the mystery alive. So tonight I decided to clean something unexpectedly.
I am NOT a grammar Nazi!
I’m alt-write.
furnishing my new place and can’t pick what dining table or chairs I want. All I know is that my nachosaurus is on the way and needs somewhere to stand.
her: kids grow up so fast these days
me: I know, it was scary when I asked my daughter how old she was and she held up three fingers
her: exactly!
me: she wouldn’t tell me where she found them
Waiting for the Charmin
I’m totally against race mixing–I mean how can these horses seriously compete in NASCAR
normal person: 9+7=16
me: if 10+7 is 17 and 9 is one less than 10 then 9+7 must be 16
Ugh I’ve put on so much weight. Can you believe I used to be 7lbs 9oz?
[Before the ten commandments were handed down]
Kevin: Hey Doug, can we kill people?
Doug: Kev my man I genuinely have no idea
I was gonna do a tweet about Albert Einstein’s IQ but I couldn’t get it under 140.
3 just told me he wants all the things pirates have for Christmas, including a real sword and a pirate ship.
Anyone have a good pirate ship guy?
ME:WHY ARE YOU LEAVING ME? EVERYBODY LEAVES ME!
UBER DRIVER:This is where you wanted to be dropped off, right?
ME:*wiping away a tear* Yes.
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
Me: I’d kill for a donut
Donut: Whoa I said I was angry, I never said I wanted them dead
Why didn’t they just call the Selfie Stick a NarcissiStick?
Half the people who follow me are waiting for the nervous breakdown; the other half follow because they’re easily impressed by semicolons.
6y/o: Mommy, do you know what a Ouija board is?
Me: Yes.
6y/o: Let’s get one so we can talk to you later.
My dog probably thinks her name is Jesus Christ
Got a booty text from my ex-husband so I did the logical thing and forwarded it to his new girlfriend.
I have precisely ZERO idea what people are doing when they inspect inside their egg boxes at the supermarket. But for 20 odd years I’ve dutifully opened the box, nodded appreciatively, and then put my eggs in the trolley without the faintest idea what the hell I’m doing or why.
someone told me “I couldn’t think of anyone I’d rather spend time with,” & my first thought was that they tried really hard to think of someone else but had to settle on me, so thanks low self esteem, u my only friend
They ordered two extra large pizzas at work.
I wonder what everyone else is going to eat.
95% of parenting is using your sock as a mop.