Stayed up to watch the clock go from 1:59 to 1:00 am because you know, time travel
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I’ve heard parents say they don’t enjoy playing with their kids but I play all kinds of fun games with mine like..
-who gets to microwave mommy’s coffee?
-whoever finds the remote first can watch a show after I do
-whoever fills mommy’s water gets to be my favorite for the day
Her: Whats that mouth do boo?
Me: Probably say something stupid.
“Be sure to unroll dads sleeves and check for food before you put them in the washer”
-my wife
ME: Michaelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back?
GF: Yep
M: [2 hours later] How did he reach the bit between his shoulders?
If you’re buying something embarrassing at the drugstore (like an enema), just ask for a gift receipt so they won’t think it’s for you.
My Grandma’s church was odd
in that they worshipped paintings.Very weird.
Every week they would stand up
and sing “How Great Thou Art”
[White Castle]
YOU (a slob): 6 hamburgers, please.
ME (a health nut): 5 hamburgers, please.
H: I think we should see other people.
Me: Do I have to? I don’t even really want to see you.
Would you rather have a normal childhood or a sense of humor?
All the king’s horses and men stand over Humpty. Puzzled, they go back to reading the IKEA instructions.
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up.
[intensive care]
NURSE: I’ll never leave your side, DO YOU HEAR ME?!
ME [patient]: wow, I didn’t realize how intense the care was here.
📂 ACME
└📁 Traps
└📁Elaborate traps
└📁 Roadrunner traps
└📁Elaborate roadrunner traps that work
└⚠️ This folder is empty
If a Stork is responsible for bringing babies, what bird prevents them?
A Swallow.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He had the elbows of a seasoned kayaker. He had a racist hairline.
It still pisses me off that teachers gave us shit about paying attention and then had to take attendance to see if one of their kids was missing
New to Twitter cheat sheet:
AVI – profile pic
TL – timeline
DM – direct message
TC – twitter crush
WTF – everything else
[first Craigslist transaction]
Seller: so
Buyer: yeah
Seller: do…do I kill you ?
Buyer: (relieved) I’m not sure! I was worried I was supposed to kill you
“The Sun is dying. We need help” the scientists are speechless. Cool Dad kicks in the door & removes his shades “It’s daylight savings time”
Drove by a woman with her car broke down, I was going to stop and help until I remembered I don’t know anything about cars or women.
I hate to get all religious on you but can I just have a minute of your time to talk about my air fryer?
Does your cat do that thing where he refuses to eat the stale bowl bikkies so you take the bowl up to the kitchen counter and shake it around a bit and then they think you’ve swapped it out for fresh bikkies and they happily crunch it up ehehehe what a tiny idiot
Remember, it doesn’t have to be the “perfect” muder, just an unsolvable one.
~me as a motivational speaker
When did kale arrive? 2007? Must’ve come via spaceship. I had never heard of it in my life. And then suddenly, it was everywhere. It had hearty advocates; & it had many, many detractors. How does a thing, kale, go from not existing to being ubiquitous? Spaceships. Only answer.
I went into a bookshop earlier carrying a book. I seem to have put my book down to browse other books and left with no books. Have called the bookshop but they’re struggling to find my lost book amongst all the books. This is the stupidest thing I have ever done
By the time my 5yo is done with his dinner, it’ll be time to start applying to colleges.
If Pringles really wanted the fun to never stop they’d make those tube things like 5 feet long.
[pretend restaurant]
4-year-old: what do you want ?
me: pizza
4: we don’t have pizza
me: what do you have?
4: nothing
me: I’ll have nothing
4: we don’t have that
me: *throws table* this is bullshit!
How are you supposed to buy a gift for your mom as an adult? It’s like, oh you gave birth to me? Please enjoy this fancy candle.
i meant to share this earlier