wow the language they speak in the uk sounds almost exactly like english
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Shopping online and betting on which shipments arrive by the estimated delivery dates because I don’t feel like going to a casino to lose money.
The bath is too wet
– reason 101 my toddler is tantruming
there are 2 kinds of people – those who tap their beer can before they drink, and those who have not yet been stung in the mouth by a wasp
“If you could read my mind, love…”
– Gordon Lightfoot“Why the hell would think I’d want that for Christmas?!?”
– my wifeSame
Does anything good ever escape from a lab
*spider-man pacing the ceiling while Mary Jane is in the bathroom taking a pregnancy test*
pisses me off when I’m taking a longer than average drink at the drinking fountain and someone says “hey save some for the fishes” when just before i’d filled up a bucket at the drinking fountain and drove it to the nearest lake and dumped it in there
😎 🍻
I just closed a browser tab by accident and yelled noooooo as one of my free articles for the month disappeared into the abyss forever.
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
“Face my fears?” Lol what am I, brave?
#dnd #ttrpg
If you have trouble sleeping, you’re destined to marry someone who falls asleep in 10 seconds and will hate them for it.
I just had a near sex experience.
My wife flashed before my eyes.
[cat and dog meet for negotiations]
Mediator: We’re just beginning this process, so right now everything is on the table.
Cat: *smiles*
Dog: Oh no.
I just want to be considered unstable enough to where nobody wants me involved in their pyramid scheme.
Sex is great and all but finish your damn Kale!!
Girl: that’s a fine-tooth comb
Guy: *combing teeth* thanks
[a mass poisoning of football players]
detective 1: I think there was mercury in the Gatorade
detective 2: Johnson, this is no time for your stupid astrology mumbo-jumbo
Bars reopening but you have to wear a mask? Ugly people, this is OUR time!
I get the feeling some of you have been told by others of you not to talk to me. This means war.
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
I love how every airline is like “not to brag, but we actually clean the planes now.”
yes, sharks can outswim you. but you can outrun sharks. so far in a triathlon you’re square. all comes down to who’s the faster cyclist
Made something I’m not proud of
lol no thanks my tires rotate themselves every day
Decorated the house across the street so I can look out the window and enjoy my handiwork.
Today I beat my personal record of consecutive days alive.
I went to the Army Surplus store and they didn’t have a single extra soldier for sale. Come on. False advertising much? Old Navy can take a flying leap too.
ME: I quit texting and driving after the accident.
HER: Were you hurt?
[flashback to 12 hot dogs rolling off the dashboard]
ME: So hurt.