Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
“No”
Cop: *points* Your buck naked
[turns to deer in passenger seat] “Jesus Frank, put your fur back on”
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I have the body of a 21 year old bodybuilder. Can I borrow a shovel?
I asked my neighbors to keep it down last night and they were like ma’am- it’s 5pm.
“Oh you just put lotion on?
You’re not going anywhere.”
– Doorknob
[Struts in lookin fly as heck in my speedo, shower cap and armfull of baby dolls
struts out with new understanding of the term baby shower]
“I mean if you do the math the most weight I can really gain from the pound of pumpkin pie I ate tonight is only one pound” I thought fatly.
My middle schooler called me “mid” and I’ve gotta be honest, not a fan of having to google something before deciding how offended I am.
My future’s so bright that I have to wear lampshades like an injured dog.
setting a small grass fire next to my inflatable pool and then asking the firefighters to fill it up while they’re here
Robber *gun to my head* sign in to your account
Me *wiping tears* I can’t remember my password
Robber: Ask for a hint. And if you cry again, I’ll shoot
Me: ok ok
Computer: What was the name of your first dog?
Me: oh no
Watching my kids inspecting the French dips I made like I’m about to defend a dissertation
Them: and what is this?
Me: that is ..(checks notes).. Provolone cheese, ma’am
Them: hmmmmm….
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
wife: *from the kitchen* sweetie, where are the coffee filters?
me:
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself around you
Her(flirtatiously): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you went to bathroom
17: Want to see a movie?
Me: Sure.
17: Afternoon show only, so no one sees us together.
Me: Ok. *Posts pic on IG. Tags all her friends.
Is it “nemesis” or “nemeses”? I’m renewing my wedding vows.
I believe this to be the best photograph of a dog ever taken in human history.
Brit 1:
“They’ve… just stepped away from their desk for a minute, can I take a message?”Translation: They’re staring straight at me.
Brit 2:
“Yes, when they get back can you let them know I’ve called?”Translation: I know they’re still at their desk.
I do yoga so I can dress myself when I’m single.
*snaps wife’s nighttime eye mask*
You up?
The answer, my friend, is actually blowing in the wind plus 23.
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
While Taylor Swift’s boyfriends were exported overseas during the Trump years, only during Joe Biden’s administration were we able to bring this job back to the United States.
So hopping on a bandwagon is bad but falling off the wagon is also bad. Which is it society? Where is the acceptable orientation relative to a wagon?
Doctor: So what brings you in today?
Me: Stay with me here…I’m pretty sure there is a bus full of elementary age children flying around my small intestine.
Why do blurry people always ask me if I’m drunk?
welcome to your 40s, the first song you ever made out to is being used to promote mutual funds
Springtime ants in the kitchen. Go get mother her killing flip flop.
you dare??? even think??? of taking Jigglypuff’s Stick??
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not buying McDonald’s. What do you want me to make?
Child: A Big Mac.
I’m never more independent than when a spider offers to help me with something.