the human. just got home. i have no idea. where they’ve been. but in their absence. they’ll be proud to see. that i took it. upon myself. to redistribute. all the footwear. i could find. throughout the household. because i decided. that was. my duty
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life hack: DO NOT TRY TO CUT CHERRY TOMATOES IN HALF WITH YOUR FOOD SCISSORS
One time I tried to pull off the Ariana Grande cat ears but I just looked like Barf from Spaceballs.
My mother: A high forehead is a sign of intelligence.
Me: What does that even mea—
My mother: You have a low forehead.
A burrito.. in a bowl? Sure that sounds great! And while you’re at it, why don’t you rip the blankets off me while I sleep, u piece of shit
I melted down all my various rewards cards into a universal “Rewards Dagger” that gets me a discount everywhere.
Old cordless phones, for when you really need to be on the phone, but also need to sword fight the cat.
As he stealthily slid the paper with my balance on it, I nodded at my bank teller for protecting my 12.03$ from the 2 old women behind me.
I won a cozy blanket at work today and pissed off a lot of people. It was awesome.
I want to see a movie about “Bottom Gun,” the worst pilots in the Navy.
Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers right now. Nothing is going on, I’m just a narcissist.
[Subway}
ME: Roast beef, please.
HIM: Six inch or foot long?
ME: I gotta ask you something.
HIM: Yeah?
ME: How do you say that without laughing?
HIM: Corporate actually teaches a class.
ME: Wow.
HIM: Yup. You want extra meat, big guy?
Samurai v. Cat ..who will win…🐈🐈
#TuesdayMotivaton
*walks in*
Nope!
*does a 360° and walks in further*
Ah that’s why I failed geometry
How can you tell when a duck is a witch?
The day your child learns the word literally and starts using it in literally every sentence is the day you literally wish you’d never let them learn to speak.
I actually enjoy homeschooling my kids. What’s my secret? I’m doing a terrible job.
* Runs Baywatch-style into oncoming traffic *
wife: turn on the stove please
me: [twerking in front of stove] it’s not working
My Uber driver is acting weird. He is wearing a mask and making me ride in the trunk. 1 star.
The human personality is made of five key elements
Guy next to me at Mariners game didn’t stand for national anthem. Unpatriotic bastard. I should push his wheelchair down the stairs.
SHERIFF 1: You’ve got updog on your shirt
SHERIFF 2: Not now. I have six holsters labeled A-F and only A, B, C, D, and F have a gun up them.
SHERIFF 1: What’s up holster E?
SHERIFF 2: It’s how you put fabric on couches
Me: Why did you need to buy a dehumidifier can’t you just put out humidifier in reverse?
Husband: *eye twitches*
My daughter is writing a poem about our dog and she’s trying to find a word that rhymes with his name. Our dog’s name is Tucker. This will not end well.
Friend: Will we be hearing the patter of tiny feet soon?
Me: *grabbing her arm too hard* You know about my squirell army
*throws roll of duck tape into a pond*
Go little guy, you’re free now.
I miss dating
The excitement of meeting someone new, that feeling of butterflies when you see if you can climb out their bathroom window…
Golf is a great way to learn all of the new curse words your subconscious has been cooking up in the lab.
Thinking about the time I invited a date over for a BBQ & asked him to pass me the hot dog knife so I could pry hot dogs out of the package. He stopped & said “Hot dog knife?” At which point, I realized other people did not have designated hot dog knives. There was no 2nd date.
Me: how much for the horse kabobs
Ride operator: it’s a carousel