I won a cozy blanket at work today and pissed off a lot of people. It was awesome.
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Pilgrim 1: God blessed us with a new world, but now what do we do for our starving families?
Pilgrim 2: Let’s put belt buckles on our hats.
if the earth is so flat explain why cats haven’t pushed everything off it yet. you can’t.
pls suprot
I can never hear what my kids are up to while I’m in the shower so I just yell “HEY cut it out!” every 60 seconds and hope that keeps them in line
If you’re not suppose to eat late at night, then why is there a light in the refrigerator?!
Protip: If your wife asks you “How lazy can you be?” it’s a rhetorical question.
Yes aunty, I do like jello. And, of course, I adore feta . Why did you have to combine them
#OddReasonsToCallInSick
I have to give my cat a bath
My 1-year-old is learning to give a high-five, but she’s unclear on where her hand should land. She basically just slaps people in the face.
My 5yo won a toy from the claw machine, so now I’m going to make him buy me a lottery ticket
Jeff is here!
“Jeff from work or Jeff the guy who announces his arrival anytime he enters a room”
Jeff is here!
I do really good on my diet for like 8 or 9 hours, and then I wake up.
happy friday
Toddlers are fun because every so often they‘ll agree with almost anything you say.
Me: we’re going out tonight okay?
Toddler: yeah.
Me: we’re gonna get into some trouble.
Toddler: yeah.
Me: start a revolution.
Toddler: yeah!
Me: Then we’ll go to bed.
Toddler: no.
One of my biggest fears is going to America and asking for a biscuit only to be presented with some weird scone type thing and gravy
What do you mean I didn’t win I ate more wet t-shirts than anyone else
This old lady in the grocery store was just giving me the weirdest looks and the worst piggy back ride of my life
I would do anything for love. But I won’t do that. Or that. That’s not looking good either.
People are asking me questions like they can’t see the FULL cup of coffee on my desk.
Do I hate when people answer their own questions? Yes.
Twitter has introduced me to like minded individuals and it’s comforting to know I won’t be going to hell alone
When your lying in bed and you sneeze upwards towards a moving ceiling fan there’s really no need to take a shower for the rest of the day.
Trust me on this.
Dr. House would’ve solved this covid shit in 20 minutes flat.
I planted grizzly DNA under my fingernails so when I choke on doritos the medical examiners assume I was strangled by a bear but fought back
*signing divorce papers*
Client, “Thank God that’s over.”
Me, “Yes, divorce is stressful.”
Client, “No. The process was fine. I’m just glad the marriage is over.”
Me, “I’m glad you aren’t crying. Here’s your bill.”
Client *bursts into tears*
[teaching my dog to shake hands]
NO! Firmer than that. Want them to take you seriously?
According to my wife I’m the best at driving over every pothole when she has to pee.
I decided to become a dad when I noticed how many kids never finish their nuggets.
I am a vibrant, youthful woman in her SEXUAL PRIME!!!!
Now come rub my wrists till my carpal tunnel stops hurting
My 3-year-old got a cut on her finger.
She’s holding it up to show people her band-aid.
Yes, that’s my kid flipping off everyone in the grocery store.