Someone called me “down to earth” and I was like, “hey look, mister, you’ve got the wrong woman.”
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All I need to know about you is defined by whether you ask for a cup or a cone when ordering ice cream
When our children are on their own and off our medical insurance, we’re going to take that extra money and buy Fiji.
Why do paintings of Adam and Eve show them with belly buttons?
I told my friends I found my Lasik surgeon on Yelp and they were horrified. Or interested, I’m not sure, I can’t make out faces so well.
PARKOUR
Satan was all alone with Eve, NAKED, at the forbidden tree and all he did was to convince her to eat a fruit? GAY.
When someone asks you “what is it that you like about me?”
“You’re gluten-free” isn’t the answer they want to hear.
Giving blood today. Not my own, of course. That would be creepy.
her: who’s ur favorite vampire
me: that one on Sesame Street
her: he doesn’t count
me: i assure u he does, Jen
“Scolding a cat after it does something wrong has been proven ineffective” – cats
[two women sunbathing in garden]
“It’s so nice out here”
“Where’s that creepy guy who lives next door?”
HEDGE “He’s away for the weekend”
#FunnyLife Insects
I love watching people parallel park. It’s like a sporting event for me. There’s betting and snacks, I call friends to go over the highlights, and shout tips at the car. Don’t be fooled though, I am 100% rooting for you to fail
Him: You matter
Me: I know, Tarzan. We all are
The embarrassing moment when you bring handcuffs to ‘gamenight’ and she brings Monopoly.
Girls take a picture of their legs in a bubble bath and say “guess where I am”
The library?
In the army. One day we f***** off our CO & he made us polish our boots “like a mirror”. We had to march into his office 1 by 1 and hold our boots up for inspection. Except it was always the same pair, we just handed them to the next squaddie in the hall as we left his office.
me: *clutching arm* the bark is worse than the bite
gf: how did you get bitten by a tree
My kid asked what fornicate meant and I panicked and said it meant to hold political office
what strings did peacocks pull to be allowed to just vibe around the zoo?
*watching soccer*
Me: I would simply use my hands and carry the ball to the opponents goal.
Maybe being fat isn’t bad, it just sounds awful because we say ‘morbidly obese’. Let’s switch it to ‘cheerfully obese’ and see what happens.
You’re in a work meeting and your boss asks, “Any questions?”
The answer is always, NO.
9: if a cigar is just made from a plant then why can’t kids have them?
me: I’m just trying to drink my morning coffee man.
There must be so many advantages to being a president or a king, but I’d wager that the most exciting of all is never having to carry your own house keys.
One interesting thing I learned in my thirties is that you can leave a bar before it closes.
“You’ll never get the butt you want by sitting on the one you have.”
-Maya Angelou
*sings lullaby*
In the jungle,the mighty jungle,the lion sleeps tonight
If you get up from your bed again, the lion eats your legs
Wimoway..
Headache Protip:
Bang your toe into something.
I was thinking about drinking less beer but I knew I couldn’t do it if I always have cold ones ready to go.
It was self a self fridge-filling prophecy