Why run with scissors when you can run with bananas which are far less dangerous and also tasty snacks.
You Might Also Like
At some point you realize that world peace and inner peace are too much to wish for and ask for an extra piece of pizza instead
You ever just look at your spouse and KNOW they’re the one you want to fall asleep really soon so you don’t have to share your pizza rolls with?
When you gaze into the abyss sometimes the abyss pats you gently on the hand and says she’s just not that into you.
People terrible at the sex should take notes from dentists & give out goody bags. It’s like yeah that was all uncomfortable but here’s some goodies so you’ll hit me up again.
[boss closing his door] I’m glad you enjoyed your trip down south but [the beads in my braids clack together as I turn] but what
I may not be able to out run the zombies when they come, but this cheeseburger is going to make me taste great
My kids forgot the name of the game Marco Polo so they are currently playing Mario Luigi at the pool.
Some people have goals based on a summer body; mine revolve entirely around the weight limit of my beach chairs.
Someone call or text my husband and tell him that dinner at Applebee’s is not a “night out on the town.”
If I ever met a Space Alien, I’d resist shaking its extended appendage, not knowing for sure the details of alien anatomy.
“Get over yourself.”
*Me teaching clones how to play leapfrog
Shouting “shotgun” will get you the good seat but not when you’re boarding a plane.
Nephew drops my iPad, doesn’t say sorry but proceeds to offer me a biscuit.
His future in Politics is secure.
I have this odd feeling that I’m going to be that crazy old lady that yells at everyone to get off the lawn.
From my apartment balcony.
Me: Hope it’s ok if I sleep in the nude
Guy next to me on the plane: WTF dude?
[texting]
Her: We need to talk. (9:00 am)
Him: About? (9:01 am)
Him: What? (9:02 am)
Him: WHAT??? (9:03 am)
Her: Dinner tonight. (4:42 pm)
Don’t worry there’s only 60 more days of January
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to speak to the manager.
girls will be like “this is my comfort movie” and it’s The Exorcist
My toddler just spent five minutes explaining that he can’t use his imagination because he traded it to a kid at daycare for some fruit snacks. Ok, bro.
On the 9th day of Christmas my true love sent to me 9 ladies dancing, 8 maids a-milking, 7 swans a-swimming, 6 geese a-laying, 5 GOLD RINGS, 4 calling birds, 3 French hens, 2 turtle doves & a partridge in a pear tree
Hope the dancing hasn’t made the ladies hungry; birds all eaten
[Interrogation]
Cop: this guy looks like a cop if you ask me
*intercom* you need to be on this side of the mirror, Carl
*needs a hug
*taps car brakes a little too hard so the seatbelt locks upNice.
My boss on Zoom: “Joe you been quiet today. Do you want to say anything?”
Me: “Betty White passed away so she could come back as Rihanna’s baby”
My boss: “Gang that’s my fault I should know better”
I’ll grow my beard out just so I can knock on a strangers door & whisper, “I’m here to pick your kid up for prom. Either one. I don’t care.”
In my town it’s: Package delivered, here’s a picture of it at someone else’s house
Man claims world will end Saturday. My producer tried to book him for an interview tomorrow. He said he wasn’t available until next week.
When you put “This page intentionally left blank” in a report, the page is no longer blank. Thank you for coming to my Pedantic Ted Talk.
“Did you get my text?”
Option 1: No? When did you send it?
2: I was just about to reply
3: Yes, I thought I replied?
4: I typed a reply but didn’t press send
5: I lost all my numbers and didn’t know who it was
6: My phone’s been weird today
7: Yes, need to talk to you about that
[during sex]
her: call me names
me: george