There must be so many advantages to being a president or a king, but I’d wager that the most exciting of all is never having to carry your own house keys.
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Only during a hurricane can you purchase a tarp, rope, duct tape and a shovel and no one questioned your motives.
call me a mcdonald’s ice cream machine bc i dont feel like working today
doctor who has a passion for magic, during a colonoscopy: is this your card?
convinced HR to revise the language in my termination letter to read: despite multiple warnings he refused to stop misusing the defibrillator to “tingle his pants”
thought I was all good when my doctor said i was healthy as a horse; turns out he was referring to one specific horse, ‘Sick Matthew’
Her: Oh, a handsome man like you must be used to compliments.
Me: Yes, but do go on…
Me: big day today
Brain: we’re ready
Me: yep
Brain: not like last time
Me: what
Brain: when you wrote ‘gren’ on the colors test
Me: I was 5
Brain: don’t blow it today
[camping]
Her: *pointing* What’s that?
Me: Decoy bacon sammich. For bears
H: *tuts*
M: We’re safe as long as it’s there
H: Right…
*later – cut to me eating the sammich*
*later still – cut to me being mauled by a grizzly*
M: I get no pleasure saying this, but told you so
Butterflies have 1,200 eyes. That means they spend 7 months taking out their contacts every night.
My sexual fantasy is that I’m a pizza boy, and I deliver pizza to sorority girls and they can’t pay for it, so my boss lets me take all that pizza home for free
scientist: I’m gonna watch people sleep and count how many spiders they eat in a year
Don’t mistake my habit to look down, as modesty.I have a long history of tripping on the most ridiculous things
Me: It’s not working out between us. You’re too suffocating.
Darth Vader:
“How crazy is your ex? Crazy like my triceps?” “How sick is your mother? Sick like my triceps?”
Though I hear their
Helpless cries
I eat
Photosynthesis is the process used by plants to convert a picture into a thousand words
pre-crashed car! already crashed. don’t have to worry about crashing it, car cannot crash. can’t drive it (no wheels) wheels fell of in crash. also just replaced the brakes, brakes work perfectly now
Doughnut boxes advertise “ZERO TRANS FAT” as if anyone buying a box of doughnuts cares about the nutritional content.
Me: NOT TODAY SATAN
Satan: But-
Me: Jesus, what did I just say?!
Jesus: To be fair he did say not today
Me: can I borrow $20?
Friend: No.
*slides him $50*
Me: how about now?
I hate when I’m in a room with 3 other people, & I have to shove the entire kit kat in my mouth.
me: I love the feel of fresh, crisp sheets against my naked body
clerk: ma’am, this is a Bed Bath & Beyond. please put your clothes on and leave
Fair play to the crow who visits the roof outside my window first thing each morning, and whose cawing has the exact pitch and rhythm as the reversing alert on the recycling lorry, sending me into a blind panic that I’ve forgotten to put the bins out.
Me: Can you get me more sports drink at the store?
Wife: Beer isn’t a sports drink
Me: I drink it while I watch sports.
The only time I get anxiety is when I’m picking up a prescription for my wife and the pharmacists asks me for her birth date.
“Uh-oh!”
– My toddler, looking me dead in the eye while he feeds his dinner to the dog
Batman could have used his wealth to help Gotham’s poor and disenfranchised. But no, we really needed another violent leather fetishist.
The next wave of scammers will have old people call you
Welcome to parenthood. You’re about to spend an irrational amount of time convincing a sleepy person to go to sleep