scientist: I’m gonna watch people sleep and count how many spiders they eat in a year
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Lots of people comparing Trump to ISIS and Hitler. Wow. Take it easy, guys! That’s not very nice to ISIS or Hitler.
If you gotta turn on the oven for nachos you might as well make a cake too. It’s in the bible, I think.
Kids look forward to recess.
Adults look forward to Reese’s.
Hell hath no fury like a woman not getting responses to her text messages while she sees that you’re continuing to tweet.
When I have more than $20 in my account at the end of the month I have to wonder what bill I forgot to pay.
“Oh, are you driving?” -Good question to ask someone as they force you into their trunk
guys I’m going home
reminiscing fondly on my College roomy Vincent who, when told by the RAs that lava lamps are fire hazard banned from the dorms, replied “guys relax it’s not real lava”
Love that person who tells me to ‘take a drink of water’ when I’m CHOKING ON WATER.
ME: my contract says I can work from home
BOSS: *pushes me out the door* not at mine
Everyone is fighting a battle (with goblins) that you know nothing about (because you failed a perception check)
How come Satan always seems to know exactly what I like?
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, I found out Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
Cop: could you repeat again why you hit him over the head?
Me: I figured a couple of days eating hospital food would make him appreciate my cooking
“I’m tired.”
– Beat Cop
People who are loud sneezers should be required to post it on their dating profile.
wife: Do you want a bowl?
me [eating ice cream out of the carton] Why?
doctor: push through the pain, I can see the head, you can do it!
me: [struggling to pull on my turtleneck sweater] I can taste air
Remember Chucky? This is what he looks like now.
[Inside every wolf]
Me: Hey.
Me: Oh, hey.
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
I hate showing my baby pictures because everyone says “you were so cute” but there’s always the unspoken but implied “what happened”
My old WiFi name used to be BoratVoiceMyWifi but I’ve since matured
Sure she mainly used knife emojis but at least she replied to your text.
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed everyone in Chernobyl?
I take my kids on vacation because I think it’s important for them to experience new and exciting places where they can cry for more screen time
Shopping with my 12 y/o daughter and she said she was done with the Christmas music at the stores already.
“You don’t trick-or-treat a week after Halloween. Time to move on, people.”
Him:When do you get off?
Me: Usually once you go to sleep
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Oh you mean work? 6 o’clock Hun, see you then.
ah yes, the Supreme Court
a regular court, but with diced tomatoes and sour cream
Parents don’t have “favorites.” We dislike all of our children equally.