scientist: I’m gonna watch people sleep and count how many spiders they eat in a year
![]()
You Might Also Like
I don’t understand how i’m getting oreo crumbs in the bed if im swallowing them whole
[Company Christmas luncheon]
Coworker: Nice, so you’re entering the ugly sweater contest?
Me: Ugly sweater contest?
My daughter was worried that I would embarrass her on this college tour but that was before I showed everyone how well I could twerk
you gotta be faster
![]()
Hey electric toothbrush makers-
I don’t think they’re tall enough. One fell over on the counter and only took out four more toothbrushes, two deodorants, a hand soap dispenser, and a scented lotion.
Potential serial killer in Stockton, CA. Be on the look out in the Stockton area and in California as a whole. Watch this video to see what we know! Important!! But also watch this ad first
If you’re responsible for the fruit tray, then your family has zero faith in your culinary skills
Posted a photo of my clean house on Facebook and it was flagged as fake news.
Hot Girl: Hey, u single?
Me: I am.
HG: Cool, can I take this extra chair?
A bodybuilding and pastry shop business called John Cena-bon
Looking for investors
Me: Do you like children?
Him: Yes, I love them.
Me: Good, because I become a huge child when I drink.
Top prank: when your friend falls asleep, place his hand in a bowl of warm water so he wakes up with one regular hand & one wrinkly one.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“Cuz im going too fast?”
Cop: Yes, slow down.
“But it’s been 6 months-”
Cop: U can’t move in with her yet.
me: let me tell you about the fast and the furious movies
him: no spoilers
me: i assure you there are a ton
[Crime Scene]
Detective: Looks like the killer used a wheelbarrow to dump the victim.
[in the shed a wheelbarrow grins, his seventh kill]
good news and bad news. bad news is the dog pissed on the bed
“we don’t have a dog”
*smiles getting ready to deliver the good news*
Roses are infrared
Violets are infrared
I’m hunting you for sport
And soon you’ll be dead-a valentine from the Predator
Forgot to turn on the grill, burgers been on there for half an hour, I know cause the tv show I like’s over & nothing’s on fire.
Me: This relationship feels very transactional.
Cashier: You gonna buy the gum or what??
Maybe Hitler started WWII after being constantly attacked by time travelers.
Wife: Could you be dehydrated?
Me: Of course not.
W: How much water have you had?
Me: Two coffees & a bourbon.
W: Wow.
Me: Told you.
My daughter said to a school bully “my dad will give you a fist sandwich with all the trimmings!
Now I’ve gotta defend her honour and beat the shit out of a 8 year old!
My daughter has decided instead of drying off with bath towels, she prefers sheets, and I love her and promised to never stamp out her individuality, but no.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
Sauron: I made everyone cheese bagel bites
Middle Earth: Yay
Sauron: [makes his own bagel bite, but this time, with all the toppings]
8-year-old: I’m glad it’s the weekend.
Me: You were only at school for two days.
8: You weren’t there.
My yoga instructor was drunk today.
Put me in a very awkward position.
Sign says World’s Largest Ravioli. “Where’s the filling?” people ask exploring its vast interior. The sound of boiling water grows to a roar
[inventing the grinch] santa needs a wario
I’ll play duck-duck-goose and give all gooses. I don’t give a duck.