scientist: I’m gonna watch people sleep and count how many spiders they eat in a year
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Just used a stiletto heel to open an Amazon package.
Next up – that impossible to reach, itchy spot in the middle of my back.
Me: You look amazing with glasses.
Her: OMG thanks
Me: *removes my glasses* But not so much without.
Why is tater the only food in tot form? We can do better. We deserve better. We demand better.
my local grocery store is rapidly losing control of the phrase chicken cutlets
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m riding a Big Wheel on the freeway?
Officer: A STOLEN BIG WHEEL
Flying cars sound great but have you seen people drive? No way man
Only marriage can turn an incorrectly folded towel into an act of war.
Me growing up in the countryside with a car: “it’s literally insane that I have to drive 20 minutes to see a friend. I can’t wait to move to a city”
Me in a city: “okay, 78 minutes on three trains to see someone who lives 6 miles away, that seems fine”
I want to travel like a stolen kidney, handled carefully and packed gently in ice
God invented co-workers to remind us that dying alone wouldn’t be such a bad thing.
Me: I took two naps today and was just falling asleep again.
Him: I can think of something to wake you up. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me: Is it food?
Hangovers only happen to people who stop drinking.
Dearly beloved, we are gathered together before God & these witnesses to observe the following: 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19
-Prime Minister
Therapist: do what makes u happy and don’t do what makes u sad
Me: so happy music makes me happy
Therapist: yea
Me: and sad music makes me sad
Therapist: yea
Me: and I’m sad
Therapist: yea
Me: therefore I should listen to sad music
Therapist: so close
Thunder!
Or did you eat the vending machine egg salad again?
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Dr: Take two tablets at 7pm every night. Not too late!
~later~
5pm: Nah too early
6pm: Still too early
6:45pm: Ooh nearly tablet time
11pm: shit
*walks into HR wearing a Princess Leia bikini
I returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
“Hey Barack”
“yes Joe?”
“I bet T-Rex’s took terrible selfies”
“Ok Joe”
“Because they had…”
“Short arms Joe, yes. I get it. I get it buddy”
horse: [driving in a car past people in a field] PEOPLE!
Popular Mathematics makes math easier to understand! #FallonTonight
Friend: [handing me baby] Here’s the apple of my eye
Me: Why is this apple crying? And why does your eye have an apple? What kind of apple—oh my god I think your eye apple just pooped
Where is your GOD now????
I’m seriously considering taking up falconry. Someone pisses me off? BAM! Falcon, right in the face.
“I believe I can fry” – R Kelly filling out McDonald’s application
INTERVIEWER: And why under skills did you put “has dominion over bees”?
ME: [covered in bee stings] You can cross that one off
If you tweet about orthopedic shoes enough, you don’t even need to write “No DMs” in your bio.
my internet boyfriend is cheating on me with my other internet boyfriend
no of course i don’t laugh at my own jokes. i also cook food i’m allergic to and buy clothes that make me look like shit