Sauron: I made everyone cheese bagel bites
Middle Earth: Yay
Sauron: [makes his own bagel bite, but this time, with all the toppings]
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I’m behind 38 episodes of Game of Thrones. I’ll just jump in the new season and piece it all together. Should be fine.
If I refer to myself as, “sauced up,” it probably just means I have honey, BBQ and ranch to dip my nuggets in.
Got in a bar fight for calling celery ‘nature’s dental floss’
I’m gonna take this shit to another level!
*pushes elevator button*
See you guys when I get out of prison.
My husband just complained that he’s the only one that ever does anything around the house.
15 hours may seem like a lot of time to spend on a 1st grade space diorama, but you should have seen the look on my son’s face when he saw it for the first time on the drive to school this morning.
Just saw a restaurant that was Japanese/Italian fusion and I can’t think of anything I want less than cheesy noodle sushi.
In every scary movie an entity is always coming through a “doorway”.
I’m just sitting here waiting for a dope demon to come through a 90’s bead curtain.
BREAKING: Hobbit director Peter Jackson’s next huge undertaking to be 3-part movie series of The Cheesecake Factory menu.
I can’t find that mandolin show anywhere in the TV guide.
4yo: *Tells 20 minute story*
Me: *Fully listens to the whole thing*
4yo: *Starts telling it again*
Me: *Dies*
*looking under hood of car*
“Well there’s your problem”
*removes cardboard box with engine drawn on it*
PET PEEVE: Why do we call them baby names? They’re HUMAN NAMES. They don’t expire as you grow up.
I’ve just seen my doctor quickly close the Wikipedia page for ‘bones’
Who tf be hiding shrimp in their socks?
Who called them ‘horses’ and not ‘neigh-sayers?’
Apple was started in a garage. Google started out in a basement. Samsung was started inside an old shoe. Sony used to be a split bin bag. What’s your excuse? Adidas was two fish stapled together. Get your shit together.
When I say “let me think about that” it means I’m gonna ask someone smarter than me
Today is apparently Ash Wednesday which I can only assume has something to do with our hero from the hit TV show Pokémon.
No, YOU just googled “emoji meanings” to make sure you’ve been using the correct ones….
why are the variants starting to sound like new iphones 😭
political ads are like “i”m the only one strong enough to stand for what’s right” then they send you an email “they’re kicking my ass, i’m desperate, i’m losing this thing, i need your $5”
How long can COVID live on breakdancing cardboard?
And can it be killed by sick moves?
Going to tell my grandkids this is how Covid started.
My dad’s visiting soon, which means I need to practice apologizing to waiters with my eyes.
My kid gave me 75 cents for being her mom, so either we need to work on math or I’m a really shitty parent
Him: I should of told you I loved you a long time ago.
Me: *starts crying* It’s should have.
Walked into the donut shop in my ski mask and the cashier started to empty the register into a bag, I had to stop her and tell her I just wanted all the donuts.
“Mom?”
“Yes?”
“Are we having seafood for dinner?”
“No, why?”
“I heard Dad on the phone.”
“And?”
“He said that he picked up a case of crabs.”
Note to self:
1) Your memory sucks.
2) Write note to self.