Potential serial killer in Stockton, CA. Be on the look out in the Stockton area and in California as a whole. Watch this video to see what we know! Important!! But also watch this ad first
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The celebrity couple name for Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton is Clump.
There are two types of people in this world:
1)People who tried to move an object with their mind at least once
2)Liars
All those years of karate training wasted …
I’ve never once had to paint a fence or wax a car ….
At a wedding during the vows, the little flower girl yells out “When is this over?”
She gets it..
You should be able to mute someone in real life. Annoying coworker? Silence them for 24 hours by booping them on the nose!
I love giving a little kid the tongue, and then watching him run to his mother holding the severed tongue I just gave him.
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
Dating for me is like wearing cashmere, I think I can handle it, and then a few hours later I’m like, “Get it off of me!!!”
[answers phone in crowded elevator] give me some good news…HOW contagious?
Madeline was one of my fav things in the world when i was a kid. I wanted to live in an orphanage so bad for fly outfits and to walk in 2 straight lines
don’t worry about why I watched your story within 5 seconds of it being up, worry about why you’re checking your views within 5 seconds of posting.
Dad owl: I’m dying so I need you to look after things. I’m going to give you-
Son owl: Don’t say it
Dad: Power of a tawny
Son: [turns head]
Bear: What’s the matter, pal?
Me: Just down is all
Bear: I bet a good mauling would make you feel better
Me: Dammit, I said no!
To keep track of us all in the 50’s mom just hung us up on the clothes line.
For years I thought I was depressed. Then I got divorced. Turns out it was marriage, not depression.
A good prank is to rent a Mercedes, stick a huge bow on it, and park it in front of your neighbor’s house
#If #I’m #not #following #you #back #this #might #be #the #reason.
The woman next to me smells SO good, is it weird if I’m like “What perfume is that, I will literally stop robbing this bank if you tell me”?
I wonder if Medusa’s husband felt like he was being taken for granite.
A woman rammed her grocery cart into mine and didn’t apologize, so I followed her around the store and took things out of her cart when she wasn’t looking.
For the love of God, what is Jesus saving? Is it coupons? I bet it’s coupons
doctor: jogging will extend your life
me: thanks for the warning
[showing off my distressed jeans]
jeans: AHHHHHHHHHHH
[medieval doctor] bad vibes? got a worm for that
There goes my Valentine’s Day plans..
DAVID AYER: I wanna make a buddy cop movie
THEM: ok
DA: Will Smith is one of the cops
THEM: k
DA: The other cop is a shy, magical orc
THEM: no that’s crazy
EVERYONE AT NETFLIX: Hold my appletini
#BRIGHTMovie
hey people who dress up and look amazing on thanksgiving how do you do that and why don’t you own pie-eatin sweatpants
Just as the prophecy foretold
*Pouring nacho cheese over my bowl of cornflakes* No, I wouldn’t say I’ve let quarantine life change me.
“The author clearly signals that this is a tale told by an unreliable narrator,” I explained, gesturing to the stack of forms.
The IRS agents were not amused.