Army barbers get paid to shave their privates.
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I used to quickly lick the tip of my pencil when writing my poignant thoughts but now I have to eat three or four pencils just to make a grocery list
A grand jury is made up of a cross-section of the community.
I ride the train w/the cross-section & it’s mostly people peeing on the floor.
Me: If you don’t like my rules, maybe you can find a different mom.
4yo: *excitedly* Can we really do that?
Fun prank: Just leave random “I’m sorry I hit your car” notes on people’s cars and watch them look for a non existent dent.
In 2009, Stephen Hawking hosted an open party for everyone, but only publicized it after it was over; so only time-travelers would know to attend.
As he expected, no one came.
Watching someone cook is really sexy.
But I recommend you make sure they are unconscious before you put them in the pan.
Hold a grudge? I’m still mad at a song from 1995 that confused irony with coincidence.
My friend got a peloton. Now she’s posting with words I don’t understand and people are responding with similar words and it’s like when everybody watched game of thrones and I didn’t.
If you want to become a beatboxing champion, try zipping up a tight dress.
I grew up so poor our dog could only get one rabie.
If you don’t know me, don’t judge me. Unless you’re making me a pizza and you say
“This woman looks like she wants extra cheese.” That’s ok
karate master: the easiest way to knock someone unconscious is to hit their temple
[later]
my bully brad: you’re stupid
me: where is your place of worship
Today sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar
Doctor: If it gets worse, who should we notify?
Liam Neeson: Next of Kin.
Doctor: It shouldn’t come to that, though. How are you feeling today?
Liam Neeson: High Spirits.
GUY: I dare you
ME: no
G: I double dog dare you
ME: no
G: I TRIPLE dog dare you!
ME: [realizing if I keep this up ill get a lot of dogs] no
Gf: why have you been googling ‘can you milk a hamster’
Me: *wipes milk from mouth* it was for a tweet
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
Can I get a piña colada please.
‘This is Starbucks’
Sorry, can I have venti piña colada.
The absolute CHAOS of this onesie my mom sent us for the baby…
yelling “you’re not my real dad” is a faux pas
Say what you want about my short term memory…unless you already have…
i was baptized in a car wash
When someone begins, “With all due respect,” stop them right there, because that is as good as the sentence gets for you.
Customer: Do you guys have wings?
Me, working in a food truck: just the wheels.
I wear my heart on my sleeve, my kidney on my pants, help I don’t think this surgeon is licensed
If monogamy is sex with only one person, what is origami?
Interviewer: Why should we hire you?
Me: Well, if you hire me, I will make all of your other employees look FANTASTIC by comparison.
Congrats on your beautiful newborn, one day you will look under her bed and know why you have ants.
Hey, parents of an only child considering having one more, know that I just split an M&M in half.
An M&M.
In half.
I’ll be signing books at the library tomorrow from 2-4pm (or until that librarian calls the cops again). Come on out!