[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
You Might Also Like
A dating site that connects Tupperware containers with lost lids.
You’ve heard of Elf on a Shelf but…
[walks into restaurant] hello, do you serve chicken?
hostess: we sure do
[holding the door for my chicken friend] perfect
Child: Mom! You can’t go that way, it’s a one way street!
Me: Oh sweetie, that’s just a suggestion.
My 5YO woke me up this morning to tell me she’s upset because her 1YO sibling woke her up. Is this the circle of life I keep hearing about?
[being prepared as a virgin sacrifice to a vengeful god]
me: this is a mistake. i do sex all the time
shaman: [anointing me with ceremonial oils] lol with who?
me: you wouldn’t know her she goes to another tribe
Little known Chinese proverb – He who walks barefoot in a dog’s backyard will be sorry
My bank called me as it received an alert for unusual activity. I was buying fruit.
friend: how’d you learn to speak dolphin?
me: with ease
Spent all day doing one of my favorite things ever – not dying. Score.
If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.
found a guy hanging out in an alley in palm springs
GF says my bike helmet looks ridiculous, but I’d rather be “uncool” than fall and crack my head open in the middle of having sex.
*dents another car while parking*
*leaves note under windshield wiper*
“Material possessions are ephemeral and evanescent. Move on. I know I have.”
[couples therapy]
ME: She thinks I make bad decisions
WIFE: He traded our car for a skateboard
THERAPIST: *writing notes* This guy rules
meanwhile over on facebook
“do u have protection” i feel around for my nightstand. i open the drawer and pull a wrapper out. tearing it open with my teeth i send taco bell sauce everywhere. oh no. wrong drawer. that was my sauce drawer. “im gonna tell my friends bout ur sauce drawer.” the night is ruined
Are black guys the ones with big dicks?
Because if so, I think I might be a black guy.
Was thinking of going to go to the gym and run 9 miles this morning so that I can look gud in college….but then I remembered I have TikTok filters 😉
#nofilter
*first day using my sith power*
“Hey stormtrooper, stop hitting yourself!”
Mom I’m running away! No I don’t need a jacket! Mom no I’m fine I don’t need a jac- mom! No I don’t need you to pick me up later mom! MOM!
If you think a dragon is going to solve all your problems you’re probably right.
You can’t break me, kid. My generation survived dial-up AOL and texting on a flip phone.
Discovered my husband thinks the candy is called “whoopers” and I may never recover from this
[1st date]
Me: I’ve got crabs
[date leaves]
[back home looking at my fish tank]
“It’s all right guys, one day I’ll find one who’ll like you”
I don’t need the audio tour at the museum, I have my teen to provide critical commentary the entire time.
POLICE! OPEN THE DOOR!
What’s the magic word?
[Cut to them back at the station staring at a chalkboard with dozens of words crossed off]
[having a pizza party with 5 teddy bears]
More pizza, guys? Or are you… STUFFED? HAHAHA *eats all the pizza before they can answer*
Idk if anyone else has experienced this but I don’t like when things negatively affect me
Sometimes you gotta go all Shakespeare on a bitch. Remove thy undergarments hastily, unless ye wisheth me to release seed upon thine eyes.