*first day using my sith power*
“Hey stormtrooper, stop hitting yourself!”
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verbiage sounds like something you’re not getting enough of in your diet
I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you.
[1st date]
Her: So, were you born here?
Me: [an idiot] In this restaurant? No. I was born in a hospital.
went to the movies and the whole time my 7 year old kept turning in her seat to look behind us. eventually i asked her what was wrong and she explained that the disclaimer before the movie told her to look out for anything suspicious.
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive all of my childhood.
I hate when I’m cleaning my house and accidentally watch three seasons of a show.
Whoever decided Halloween and daylight saving should happen in the same week should lose their calendar-setting privileges
If I ever go missing and theres a big search party out looking for me, you can save time by not looking at any gyms.
morpheus: take the blue pill AND the red pill and i’ll show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
me: they both taste exactly the same
morpheus: *waving skittles packet* RIGHT?
me: OH MY GOD
[repeating myself louder in the haunted house attraction] did the dracula throw water on anyone else’s pants??
“You gotta keep ‘em separated” – The Offspring doing their laundry
I once watched two guys arguing in sign language.
Either that, or they were both really bad at martial arts.
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
Boss: you look a bit lost
Me: Yeah, sometimes I really wish I’d listened to you
Boss: About what
Me: Dunno. I wasn’t listening
Running into someone you know on the beach is awkward. It’s like, “hey remember when we used to work together ten years ago?” Now we’re talking to each other with our shirts off.
When young and in college, still living at home, I invited my little sister into the room to chat while I wrapped presents. She might have lasted 2 minutes before uttering a disgusted “Give me that!” and taking over. So one year in 60 my presents have looked good.
Whenever a character in a book praises the cleverness of another character’s idea, it’s really just the author praising their own idea.
me: do u take walk-ins?
morgue: what
My son came home hella mad today talking about he told his friends i was a virgin and they told him that was impossible
Someone posted a cute pic of several fluffy little baby chicks in a bucket and all I could think was “KFC preview.”
“Then, the handsome prince sees her dead body laying there and has to kiss her.”
“Ummm, what?”
“Trust me, the kids will love it.”
So many accidents occur in the home. I once turned a dimmer switch too fast and got beamed into another dimension
said some terrible things about a coworker’s newborn when she called it a “week old baby” and I thought we were roasting it
Wife: why are you smiling?
[realizing if Blue from Blue’s Clues and Clifford had puppies they’d be purple]
Me: I was thinking about you.
No one has ever called me “daddy” in bed unless they had to throw up, pee, or wrecked a car.
I feel a bit deprived…….
I don’t want kids for the simple reason that math has changed and I won’t be able to help with their homework
“love means never having to say you’re sorry”
“that is not what love means”
“sorry”
[pet store]
Me *looking at snakes*
“CAN I FEED THEM?”
Pet Store Employee [never looks up from his phone] sure.
Me *putting my kids in tank*
My neighbours are loud and obnoxious. Now I know how Canada feels.
Heard a young person say that if you’re over 40, your bedtime should be before 10. I was immediately offended until I realized mine is 9:45