How can a pair of men’s swim trunks be $90?! Is the net for your privates lined with gold?
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ME: i would like to open a checking account
BANKER: would you like a savings account too?
ME: no
BANKER: okay, just checking
My wife shook me awake at 7am on a Sunday “because it’s not raining, and we have a lot to do today”
Holy shit, I married my father
You don’t want to be on any project or mission with a checklist that includes “backup underwear”.
The “mommy” to “bro” pipeline is a steep and sudden drop.
ME: You take your shoes off when you enter this dojo!
MY MANAGER AT BURGER KING: You can’t say that to people.
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
Girl: I can’t wait to have kids! I babysit so I pretty much know what it’s like to be a parent. It’ll be easy.
Me: *laughs for 20 minutes*
Guy- What’s your sign?
Me- Stop
[runs into friends with baby]
Me: OMG WHO’S THIS LITTLE GUY.
Friends:*picks up baby* wanna hold him?
Me:*kneeled next to dog* what?
When the boss says you have five minutes for lunch.
“Are you busy tomorrow?” My dear, that entirely depends on the rest of the information you’re about to give me.
What kind of crime would I have to commit in order to get the FBI to come in here and dust?
Gonna bring a notepad and a fancy pen to my next therapy session cause yessiree two can play that game.
“Only a good guy with a forest fire can prevent forest fires” – Smokey the NRA Bear
I’ve got chicken fingers and a McRib, a few more parts and my monster will be complete.
I was out with my bf and a waiter called me a ‘cradle robber’ cuz he’s 18 and I’m 43.
Totally ruined our 10th anniversary.
I think the cat got the dog high.
Me: Today’s songs all sound the same. My generation’s music was the best.
Son: Yeah. “She’ll Be Coming Around the Mountain” was a real classic.
Medical offices are like “download our patient portal where we’ll post your lab results then fax us your request for a username and password”
Learn cursive, they said. You’ll need it your whole life, they said.
My kids are at an age now where they are beginning to understand embarrassment.
This is my time to shine.
I broke my tool for painting Easter decorations. I’m having an egg shell stencil crisis.
I haven’t received any good news lately. I’m starting to think that 5th grade fortune teller at my nephew’s fall festival may have been a fraud.
i’ve been kidnapped and quickly released easily 6 dozen times
My 10 yr old was hugging the cat, & whispering to him “I love you so much that you’re the 2nd most loved thing in my life.” Aww, I thought, she’s still mama’s little girl. Then she finished her whisper with “But spaghetti is my favorite thing.”
Don’t you just hate it when you’re in the middle of crafting a great tweet but then you get rudely interrupted and lose your train of thought?
Passenger in car: OMG WATCH OUT
A psychologist on a podcast I listen to just said “if you want to be less anxious you need to worry less” so thank god he spent $80k on his PhD because this is absolute gold
“Single use consumables are destroying the planet,” I yelled at her as I tossed another condom into the washing machine.
*Frantically checks the time*
OMG I THINK I’M LATE oh wait that was yesterday
In my day, we didn’t have quiet quitting.
The 5:00 whistle would blare, you’d yell “Yabba dabba doo!” as loud as you could, then slide down the back of a dinosaur.