Welcome to your 40s. Your ability to be sneaky will now be hindered by your bones cracking when you walk.
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Wearing polar fleece in the winter gives me a sense of security knowing I can jump start a car with my finger.
This package of bacon says it’s “naturally hardwood smoked” as if they just happened across a bunch of pigs next to a forest fire.
People who say that they don’t have time for my bullshit should wake up an hour earlier
[death row]
Okay Johnson, it’s time. Any last requests?
Pardon me?
I said it’s time, any last—ah I see what you did there, Johnson. Good one
If that’s what meditation is doing for you, WOW! Mostly, I just get itchy.
Being a parent is having a nightmare about your child on the loose with magic markers
My husband says I have no idea how to use a comforter which is funny because when I wake up in the middle of the night I’m the only one using it.
I’m ready to be a father now that I’ve successfully fed a goldfish for a week-he’s so happy, he’s relaxing & floating on his back…wait…
I see dead people.
Well technically they’re stupid people, but give me a few minutes.
I am not mature enough for this many work emails to be going back and forth about an incoming hot load
My friend has a four-year-old and they’re teaching him Spanish in preschool. She said “Can you say ‘hello’ in Spanish?” He responded “Hello in Spanish.”
I often wonder who Pete is…
and why we do things for his sake…
you know being royal isn’t a real job cuz 4 people can just stop working and nothing happens. if 4 people stopped working at the mcdonald’s drive thru that shit would go up in flames
Valentine’s Day in a cardiac surgeon’s house
Wife opening cooler: this had better be chocolates
My turn ons are naps, cereal, and seeing women that are prettier than me trip over cracks in the sidewalk…
[a mass poisoning of football players]
detective 1: I think there was mercury in the Gatorade
detective 2: Johnson, this is no time for your stupid astrology mumbo-jumbo
Vacation Bible School is a phrase that gets less exciting for kids as each word is introduced
me when I get my period: why am I eating & crying so much? is my depression worsening? What if im dying??? Omg im dying this is how I die. I die soon.
me later that night: dude ur not dying this is literally what ur period is. every single time.
*next period*
why am I eating & cr
I deduct 5% gratuity for every extra spoon my Cheesecake Factory server puts on my plate, “In case I feel like sharing.”
I microwave ramen noodles right before I go to bed so that they’re finally cool enough to eat when I wake up in the morning.
How does Disney decide who needs pants and who doesn’t?
[cop sniffing me] you’re all over the road get out of the vehicle
[me after putting on too much hand cream] I’ll try
Sorry can’t. Calling NASA and making alien noises
Father-in-law criticizing too much tablet time for my kids.
Things I have suggested for him to do with my kids:
Just Dance
Plant Flowers
Park
Play Cards
Bake Cookies
Play Softball
Go for a walk
Watch Encanto
Fly kitesThings my FIL has agreed to do with my kids:
People say I have the legs of a dancer. But until they find the rest of the body, the cops have nothing on me, man!
I ordered some stuff online & they tossed a huge pack of bandaids in the box (that I didn’t order) like they’d met me.
Ha
Parents yelling “I’m not going to ask you again” at their kids, will definitely be asking them again
The great thing about having three young kids is that you’re never lonely at midnight, or 1am, or 2am, or 3am…
Human: [doing homework]
Dog: why aren’t you eating that