This package of bacon says it’s “naturally hardwood smoked” as if they just happened across a bunch of pigs next to a forest fire.
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Me: Hello, can you force an update on my computer that will affect most of my vital programs in a negative way?
Microsoft: Actually, we were just about to push an update to do that.
Me: Can you also offer no help to fix the issues?
Microsoft: Have we ever not let you down?
Husband is leaning dangerously out of window whilst he cleans it. Only thing stopping me from shoving him out is that he cleans the windows
My wedding vows were until death do us part. Yet nowhere did they specify cause of death…
My dentist said my teeth were stained and asked if I smoke or drink coffee? I said, “I drink it.”
If swimming is such good exercise, explain whales
My cat’s birthday is tomorrow and my mean boss said I still have to come to work this week.
gonna mess with my husband by texting “send nudes” when he’s in a work meeting
Her: I live in Wales.
Me: like Jonah
[on drive home]
i cant believe you said “don’t bother” when my dad said he’d be there in spirit
“i don’t want ghosts at our wedding linda”
Them: We should go for a walk in the park
Me: [Excited] We hiding a body?
Them:
Me: Oh right, exercise
Man: Who are you?
God: Your god.
Man: What’s your name?
God: I can’t tell you.
Man: No way!
God: Jahweh!
Man:
God: Doh!
My husband and I have dedicated to potty training our 3-year-old this weekend because apparently we haven’t challenged our marriage enough lately.
Him: where do you wanna go eat?
Me after dropping big glob of bean dip on my shirt and scraping it off with a chip: someplace fancy
The worst thing about that mime stealing my woman was when he silently laughed at me
mugger: gimme your wallet
me: me or her?
mugger: I don’t care
me: *looks at date* I mean I did pay for dinner
My washer broke so if anybody needs me I’ll be down by the river beating my underwear with a rock.
Today I bought new wipers at Canadian Tire, walked out to the parking lot and replaced them, threw the old ones in the trash can by the main doors, walked back to my car, only to realize I replaced the wipers on the wrong car.
Now wait a minute- 😭😭😭
make your life more efficient by cutting out the middle man. quit your job. kill your friends. throw your food directly into the toilet.
son: I don’t think he likes me
wife: your dad just has a hard time showing affection
me: [holding bag of doritos] GOD I LOVE DORITOS
Ovenable?
Twitter pretty please next to a trending name add a label like “died” or “said something racist” or “is all good, just celebrating a birthday.”
Brains are sexy
Wish everyone had one
Bend over and take it like a taxpayer.
They call it “childbirth” lest we get confused and give birth to a full grown adult.
The key to a really good breakup is just to think “What would Meg Ryan do?” Sure, you’ll still be a sad, sniffling, anxious mess, but now you’ll be an adorable, sad, sniffling anxious mess.
me: raises hell
Hell: put me back down!
[breakfast]
ME: please pass the egg snow and the toast ketchup
WIFE: *reluctantly hands me the salt and jelly* you are really something else dude
Like watching a full length movie – but in just 27-seconds…
pronouncing “vegan” like “began.”