How can a pair of men’s swim trunks be $90?! Is the net for your privates lined with gold?
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*sees a newborn baby*
One day, someone will write mean things about you on the Internet
*first day as a conductor
“Tickets, please”
*the orchestra is confused
A dating site that connects Tupperware containers with lost lids.
ME: I know a good amount of things
CROSSWORD PUZZLES: lol
[my head is bleeding]
HIM: Have u seen a doctor???
ME: Buddy, I’ve seen several. Let me tell u about a little show called Grey’s Anatomy…
Excuse me, waiter, there is a spy in my soup. It fell out of the balloon in the sky.
Friend: what are you doing for VD?
Me: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
Friend: Valentine’s Day…
Me, leaning in: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
I couldn’t afford Botox so I just stopped making facial expressions about 15 years ago
ME: Is this Babies R Us
CASHIER: Yes
ME: No babies work here
C: I know
ME: It should be called Babies Were US
C: …
ME: Get me your manager
British people never go down stairs they just jump out of a window and open an umbrella like Mary Poppins
me: *stepping out of a time machine* I hope I didn’t change anything
t-rex wearing a little lab coat: me too
50% of Roger Federer‘s name is “er”
Only 3 things can make me run. When someone yells, “Fire”, “Free beer” or “The free beer is on fire”
Why do birds suddenly appear anytime you are near?
Him: *hiding bread crumbs in his pockets*
I married a smart, funny, handsome accountant, but let’s be honest, mostly I was hoping to never have to do math again.
*waters flowers*
*flowers die**sprays weeds with poison*
*weeds mutate, quadruple in size, grow 3 heads, and start speaking in tongues*
There are some “IDIOTS” in this world, That Always Reply “NO” to every question we ask them….
now tell me, Are you one of Them?
I’ve always been such a “waiting for the other shoe to drop” type of girl.
I’ve decided I’m now going to be the “throw the shoe at your head and run first” kind of girl.
Maternity.
Sounds like you’re going to be pregnant forever.
Taking a buzzfeed quiz to see what buzzfeed quiz I am. Sweet! I got “Which buzzfeed quiz are you?”
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to store people’s phone numbers is doing now.
At a concert if the band asks “How’s everyone feeling tonight” I’m like maybe we shouldn’t have built our country on an Indian burial ground
The first step when putting on a fitted sheet is, nope, it goes the other way.
Her- um.. why are you wearing a Darth Vader mask?
Me- you said lets do Yoda together
H- I SAID YOGA YOU DOPE
M- VERY WRONG I WAS
Did I do this right
Nothing like accidentally setting fire to your hair at work to make you feel alive
BANK ROBBER: ok hands in the air. nobody move. slide to the left. slide to the right. take it back now y’all. one hop this time
The horror and trauma of explaining homosexuality to a child, as told by an internet mom.
Someone once asked me if I was drunk.
I said yes.
That was the shortest job interview I’ve ever had.