There are some “IDIOTS” in this world, That Always Reply “NO” to every question we ask them….
now tell me, Are you one of Them?
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If I became a witch, the first spell I would cast is to make crickets sound like a purring cat. After that, I’d focus on evil. But the cricket-cat thing first.
On my flight to Montreal, the 20 something sitting next to me passed on her in flight snacks. I don’t understand this generation.
To my followers in Florida in the path of the hurricane: Remember to keep your phone charged. These tweets don’t “like” themselves.
Apparently Red Cross won’t let you donate blood if you bring it in a Coke bottle. That squirrel died for nothing.
Pho tastes great for a food that sounds like it just gave up.
Twitter can teach you a lot of lessons. Grammar is not one of them.
Babe, can u vacuum a Chess board into the carpet again? the guys r here for a lifesize game
*guys standing around in armor & kings outfits*
him: are you going to scarborough fair?
me: yeah.
him: if you see my ex, ask her to make me a shirt and buy me some land?
me: dude, wtf?
Me to Gonzo: Stop chasing after her! She’s toxic!
Gonzo: You don’t even know her, Mom!
Me: Well, I know she’s a toad.
*sneaks condoms into the carts of fighting couples at the drug store
I shit you not I just had this convo on the plane…
Stewardess – Are you a comedian?
Me – Yes
Her – I thought so. I recognized you from the website, “comedian.”
what’s wrong babe? you haven’t touched your shrekfast yet
Angel: Welcome to Heaven
Me: But… this is a Costco…
A: Yes. And here is a map with the exact locations listed for every item you need
M: *falls to my knees, sobbing with emotion and gratitude*
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, buddy- it’s what I’m here for.
8: Do shrimps have necks? Like, could I chop a shrimp in the neck if I had to?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
When I get naked in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on.
I’m caught between needing new glasses and having already seen too much.
Save a horse, ride a wave of anxiety.
I thought that raisin on the floor was a bug and then I thought that’s gross, someone brought raisins in my house.
If you’re about to be attacked by a bear, just dress up as a pirate. It won’t help you survive but it’ll make an interesting headline.
I leave spider carcasses on the wall to make sure the other spiders understand..
infomercial: has this ever happened to yo-
me: no
infomercial: [people failing miserably at everyday tasks]
me: ok listen here
Got thrown out of another poetry reading for shouting “oooh naughty” every time someone used a metaphor for sex
“So, you’re going that way? Cool. Me too.”
– Dogs
Are you happily married or did your husband “jokingly” make a beeping sound when you took 3 steps backwards?
Don’t tell me I’m not charitable. This weekend I gave away a lawn mower, a grill, and a full set of patio furniture.
My neighbor is PISSED.
I inform my 4 year old that she’s going to a friend’s house 5 minutes before we leave so she only asks me when we’re going 6000 times.
presidents day is just a holiday created by “Big President” to get us to buy more presidents
Watch my hands when I say “latitude” or “longitude.” It’s as much for my benefit as yours.
I’ve been trying to cancel a print job since November.
A starfish has five arms.
An anablep has four eyes.
An octopus has three hearts.And you’ve got two faces.