On my flight to Montreal, the 20 something sitting next to me passed on her in flight snacks. I don’t understand this generation.
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3: I know what’s keeping me awake
Me: What?
3: The air
Me: Oh good, I was worried it was something I wouldn’t be able to fix
Life hack: ask telemarketers and phone scammers to go steady seconds into the conversation and never be bothered again OR now you found love
[social gathering]
guy: wow, you work in an ER?
me: yep
guy: [whispering] so, uh, what’s the craziest thing you’ve seen in the ER?
me: [whispering back] a dermatologist with a zit
I bet cats are pissed they can’t sit on televisions anymore.
Chemical wingman
Runners who don’t win the race suffer defeet.
[Jeopardy]
Me: I’ll take common phrases for $200.
Alex Trebek: this comes before the fall.
Me: [buzz] what is summer.
Alex Trebek: sorry, the answer is pride.
Me: no Alex, I’m pretty sure it’s summer.
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
Leo: *names his child Oscar*
Doctor: “Would you like to hol-”
Leo: “Say it like we rehearsed it.”
Doctor: *sighs* “And the Oscar goes to…”
Me: *leaning into him* I wanna do things to you that are illegal in 50 states
Him: yeah?
*steals his car*
Pictionary is the perfect game to play whenever you need an excuse to punch your friend in the face.
I’m going to the hospital tomorrow…not because I’m sick, but because they have free pudding if you’re fast enough.
Seduction is an art and some of you are still making stick figures in finger paint
Wife: It’s date night!
Me: So, a movie, and… You still have that school uniform?
W: Yes. *winks*
M: Maybe you can get a student discount.
Yes liquor store clerk, I do need help. But I decided to come here instead.
“The biblical Noah is no different than say, a Pokemon master, collecting God’s creatures for his own amusement,” I casually mention during the staff meeting while waiting for my PowerPoint to load
Celery. For when you really need to chew your water.
Melania Trump doesn’t want to live in the same place as her husband.
More than half of America feels the same way.
Swordsman: [draws sword] prepare to die
Me: [takes out pen] oh I don’t think so buddy
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
If a Zombie Apocalypse happened today they’d all starve to death.
My 9-month-old ate part of her sister’s math worksheet and now we’re waiting to see if she passes algebra.
I told my friends, family and dentist that I chipped my tooth recently because Storm Isha blew the garden door into my face at high speed. The truth is that I was actually playing tug of war with our Alsatian dog, by holding the other end of the rope in my teeth.
Dirty cop: yeah I’m in with the scum, but I held my nose and now I’m rolling in it
Clean cop: good god Harold, go take a shower
You want me to make up a word for the period of my life before I became a mailman?
That’s preposterous
Her: Wasn’t it fun cutting down our own Christmas tree?
Me: Yea, especially when that guy chased us out of his yard…
A Facebook group named “Humans Against Herd Behavior” was created yesterday. So far, 10,000 people have joined the group.
Whenever someone mentions rat poison part of me imagines a tiny rodent cover band playing 80s power ballads.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why did pirates always get just one eye poked out?