“Stop trying to give your words depth and gravitas by attributing them to a faraway old civilization.” – ancient Chinese proverb
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Cop: License and registration
Me: Sure. *opens glove compartment; twenty eight packs of expired ketchup, three pairs of sunglasses and the Crown Jewels of Ireland fall out* Sorry. Just a sec
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: OWNER IS CATCHIN POKEMON
DOG 911: So
DOG: HE’S THROWING BALLS BUT I CAN’T FIND THEM
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
My top 5 yoga positions
5 Napping Warrior
4 Downward Spiral
3 Crying Plank
2 Farting Tree
1 Drunk Hasselhoff
Disney movies taught me there’s nothing I can’t accomplish as long as my parents die a brutal untimely death.
I moisturize religiously because one of my grandmas has aged beautifully but one looks like emperor palpatine
Welcome to parenthood. Have you ever wondered what it would be like if a day was 3267 hours long?
everybody gangster til u put a spider in their plastic easter egg
Gremlins(1984): a shopkeeper with a creature so powerful it could destroy all human life gives it to a 12yo boy. Many lives are lost.(PG13)
*First day as a missing person*
Wife: Hello police? Yeah call it off he was just in the shower.
You know you have a good therapist when he takes his shoes off, curls up in the chair with snacks and says, “next session is free, this story is too good.”
ME: *unbuttoning shirt* Sorry, it’s hot in here and I’m really nervous.
INTERVIEWER: I understand but please stop unbuttoning my shirt.
What does the Tooth Fairy do with all those teeth?
She sell them to Big Toothpaste. They mash them up and tube it. So when you brush you’re putting teeth back onto your teeth.
The 5th dentist knows this but no one will listen.
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Impossible.
Me: What? Why?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
Don’t advertise “All You Can Eat” then drag me out kicking and screaming with fists full of shrimp.
Religious rituals and prayers sound really creepy when you replace “Jesus” with “Jeff”
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
“YEP, that’s a poop alright!”, and other phrases you’d prefer not to hear coming from the 3 year old’s room.
Moms, teach your sons to mind their manners, cook a decent meal & look for inner beauty.
Dads, teach your daughters how to throw a punch.
The sign at this gas station says “turn engine off” so I catcalled my engine and its cute friend from across the street.
settle down twitter crush. i didn’t ask your last name to google you. i wanted to see how it sounded with the names i’ve picked for our kids
Marriage after kids is basically two zookeepers arguing about who has to clean up the monkey poop on a daily basis.
Mary on Facebook says this generation is way to reliant on technology…
She then sent me 7 Candy Crush invites
Overheard a couple in this restaurant fighting, so I fake proposed to my wife to add a lil fuel to that fire.
Watched my kid experience his first deep eye rub, like yeah, kid, get it. Do it til you see shapes.
Found out it’s $3000 to get laser eye surgery and $300 to get laser hair removal so I’m just gonna get the hair removal on my eyebrows and scootch up a bit when they start.
8yo: I feel like you’re always making up rules and stuff
Me: like what?
8yo: like if we don’t pick up our room a portal will open and take us to another dimension
Me: well that’s what happened to your older brother
8yo: what older brother?
Me: exactly!
Me: Can I please have a stack of Italian pancakes?
Wife: you know damn well it’s called lasagna
I’m beginning to think my best chance of fame is if someone names a syndrome after me.
[Job Interview]
Sir, it says here you’re part of a small group of criminals that primarily kills interviewersoohhhhmygod
I like running because it’s cheaper than paying for a gym membership. If the gym wants the money I owe them, they’ll have to catch me.