in dinosaur culture it’s actually really insensitive to wish upon a falling star
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I can still fit into the locker I was shoved into in high school.
“Go ahead, caller….”
“Mom, you have to stop answering your phone that way.”
Please, by all means, call my landline. I’ll reply with a postcard attached to a helium balloon
[zoo]
wanna see the reptiles?
GUY NOT READY TO ADMIT HE LOVES SNAKES: i mean sure if u wanna stare at things that are like one long muscle
it’s cool how the members of Anonymous are so good at computer stuff, but also wrote so many great poems and inspirational quotations.
ME: Can you have it fixed by Friday?
ABACUS REPAIR GUY: I wouldn’t count on it.
ME: I know. How about Friday?
Clark: *on one knee* Lois, will you help me turn this MEtropolis into a WEtropolis
Cop: you failed to obey the stop sign
Me: I got lost in the music
C: what song?
M: I’d rather not say
C: what song?!?
M: I saw the sign
Roughly 60% of my childhood was spent trying to do the crane kick after watching Karate Kid.
I’m a bound and determined person and I like to get things done but as I’ve gotten older I’ve found that I can pay others to do it while I take a nap.
At a restaurant: “Would you like a table?” “No, not at all. I came here to eat on the floor. Carpet for 5 please.”
Salesperson: What a cute service dog! How does he help you?
Me: Pete, purse!
*Pete pees on Louis Vuitton
Me: I’ll take it for 50% off
Is there also a milkshake that will keep all the boys away from my yard?
[10mins from now]
..& just like that North Korea was removed from history & got nuked by every country on Earth for bringing down Twitter..
Mike Pence has a strong resume, including Governor of Indiana and Shawshank Prison Guard. #VPDebate
ME: I like a girl with a bit of ink
OCTOPUS: Oh hey
I will never stop laughing at this
i was having a panic attack and my friend suggested holding a rose quartz so i stopped panicking and just got angry
Netflix and scroll through the selections until it’s too late to start watching anything.
losing my mind at my mom’s reply to my insta story
Wanna wake your teens up early?
Cook bacon
Who called it a licence to own small amphibians and not Permit the Frog.
told my therapist i was hesitant to start antidepressants bc of the sexual side effects and she said “do you even have enough sex for that to matter” and long story short im currently headed to walgreens to refill my prescription
I’m an author when I write and I’m an actor when I lie, but I don’t get paid for either so my bio says accountant.
[ 25 years after my dad went to the store for smokes ]
Me: why did you abandon us?
Him: sorry. I went to CVS and the receipt just finished printing.
They say children are our future, but when the wifi went out and my son didn’t know how to turn off a lamp, I’m not so sure about this.
Me (screaming in baby’s face): EITHER KILL ME OR MAKE ME STRONGER!!!!
[movie studio in the 2010s]
“This script stars The Rock as-”
Studio: WE’LL MAKE IT
a firefly accidentally calling one of the stars in the night sky “mom” lol like how embarassing
No thank you free mattress on the side of the road, I prefer to get my crabs the old fashioned way, by sleeping with complete strangers.