The in-laws took my kids for a sleepover giving us the first kid-free night in years. So, of course, a jackhammer started in front of our house at 7:30am
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everybody gangster til u put a spider in their plastic easter egg
Interviewer: says here you have been roofing your entire life
Dog: that is correct
Finally watching Michael Bay’s TMNT. Best part so far is a dude answering a Skype call and yelling “How did you get this number?!?”
Boss: you’re fired
Me: *slams fist on couch* you woke me up for this?
If we had security camera footage of Mother Teresa, trust me, even she’d look guilty of something.
I’m not technically a lawyer but I do have 3 court cases next week.
Don’t stand there judging me.
Have a seat. This could take awhile.
Nobody drops pianos on people like they used to and that’s a shame.
Me: I hate seeing you like this.
Coworker: Like how?
Me: In person
*at 5’s “restaurant”*
5: What can I get for you?
Me: Tacos.
5: We’re not Italian.
Me: Tacos aren’t Italian.
5: We’re Mexican.
Me: Great! Can I have some tacos then?
5: We don’t have tacos.
I think this restaurant is having an identity crisis.
Interviewer: please explain this gap in your resume
Me: I was trying to optimise my 8 dollars worth for the month.
Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to do something, I forget what, but it’s something inconvenient.
I didn’t win the lottery, but I did find $60 in my husband’s jacket pocket this morning, so…
some people have asked how long the park is closed when someone is eaten. i mean for the person eaten it’s closed forever haha… but for everyone else no closures
when there are deer in the woods
Me: I love my friends. Their interests? Incredible. Their tastes? Impeccable. I would die for them. If there’s a single thing they asked of me I literally could not possibly hesitate
Friend: Hey check out this cool song
Me: Haha cool maybe
I wonder if a murderer has ever crossed my path, contemplated murdering me, and then thought “nah”.
me: as soon as I get home from work, I’m going to clean the entire house, get my workout in, and do some work on creative projects
my bed: [chuckles darkly]
My husband left me on read and it’s been 22 minutes.
If he wanted a divorce he could have just asked me like a rational human being.
People say you have to study Shakespeare in school, but Shakespeare never studied Shakespeare and look at him. He became Shakespeare.
my answer to the age old ‘trolley problem’ ? I would simply also lay down on the tracks.
Stacy: Come over!
Me: Okay!
Stacy: My mom isn’t home.
Me: Nevermind.
My tacos arrived with a fork on the plate. I can only guess it’s there to stab potential taco thieves.
[slides $5 to paramedic]
Me: maybe it takes us too long to get to the hospital & maybe I don’t make it
My liver’s so black, it went to a respected college, got a great job, and made it’s family very proud.
Weren’t expecting that, huh?
Racist.
I scream. You scream. We all scream. I’m not supposed to be at this slumber party.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but that curb never did anything to you
A guy was honking at a car ahead of him to speed up at 6AM so I followed him bc his job must be amazing if he’s that excited to get to work.
#TakeMyAdvice buy a cat that’s been preassembled
drunk guy just yelled “i love you” to dolly parton and she said “i love you too but i told you to wait in the trunk”