When a waiter sees my disability and asks the person I’m with what I want to eat, I respond “Our telepathy is a bit off. You should ask me.”
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Just saw someone refer to a cat as a spicy dog…this is the only way now.
nurse: she’s dead
me: let’s see SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
ME: how long will it take to remodel my house?
CONTRACTOR: only about 2 months
[9 years later]
CONTRACTOR: ok so we’ve installed 1 stair
Me: Stay back, I have garlic!
Count of Monte Cristo:
“I took care of your clown problem.”
Was listening to Linkin Park and a student said “I didn’t know you liked oldies!”
My PS5 died, I guess I need to make friends now.
This woman is my idol. Free her.
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board?
dad: *nudge* could’ve been you
a philosopher: *sigh*
flight attendant: we are going to crash and can either hit a field and kill 1 farmer or a runway and kill 5
dad: what
a philosopher: IT’S HAPPENING OH MY GOD IT’S REALLY HAPPENING
My 8-year-old asked Alexa if he will die one day and man Alexa does not hold back.
I just got an email offering “free bible verses”. You know, because who can afford bible verses?
Khan: Revenge is a dish best served cold, and it is very cold in space…
Kirk, who is from Iowa: Oh, you think space is cold?
I got a Rubik’s Cube for my dog
*Attempts to use ‘I have a boyfriend’ meme*
Meme: I have a boyfriend.
#MeanwhileInCanada
[driving on the highway]
My son, distraught: oh no. This is bad. This is very very bad.
Me: WHAT? WHAT IS IT?
Him: my Funyuns. I can’t find my Funyuns.
*God inventing raccoons*
God: Hehe.. this’uns my lil bandit
Dude, u ok?
God: Ima give him a lil mask
Get some sleep
God: He’ll rob stuff lol
Relationship status: If my husband is running his fingers through my hair, it’s to retrieve food.
Good cop: I get it. You wanted an easy way out.
Laptop: Please update Adobe.
In Australia what doesn’t kill you is probably just saving you for the sharks.
We’ve all talked about throwing a dirty dish away instead of washing it. But only some of us have done it.
Acquaintance: If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?
Me: Into the Witness Protection Program.
Watching The Blair Witch Project. They brought no alcohol or drugs?
[people leaving the reading of my last will and testament]
why did he have so many tamagotchis
Cigarettes are a lot like hamsters. Perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
My 5 year plan is to get an amp for my bass. That fish sure does love his energy drinks
I guess the creator of Pop Rocks was like:
Sugar isn’t enough, they need to detonate
Wife: The kids opened the “private” drawer in my nightstand.
Me: THE drawer?
Wife: Yeah.
Great. There go our Oreos.
What a chick magnet..