I went to a club called Innuendos last night. I’m banned but managed to slip in the back doors.
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The glittery vampire from Twilight is putting out an album.
In other news, real musicians continue to play for coins in the subway.
In the same week I found my glasses and my car keys in the refrigerator. It’s a goddam wonder the government lets me live alone.
Who called it Star Trek III – The Search For Spock and not Finding Nemoy?
So excited! I’m taking an online grammar class. No more typos for me.
Nolege is power biches!
Of course he’s into you. He’s just super-duper busy, messaging other chicks.
when ur a kid the only thing ur worst enemy has to do is find a word that rhymes with ur name and ur cooked. one time my friend’s nemesis called him michael michael motorcycle and he was messed up for days. it didn’t matter how cool motorcycles are. it rhymed. he was toast
ME: *scattering remains* He loved this park.
PARK RANGER: But…but he hasn’t been cremated!
ME: *lowering axe* Cremated?
I don’t care how much it rains, I’m not getting on a sex animal boat with a guy named Noah.
The Earth is 70% uncarbonated water
Therefore the Earth is flat.
I get it, drug commercials. I too like to dance while I describe all my side effects
When I play the kazoo, I play to win
Who named it an army ant and not a combatant?
I woke up at 3 am this morning to the sound of my burglar alarm
“Time to go out and rob some people!” I said
I suspect that the deep state is using nanotechnology to make my underwear tighter and I don’t like it.
Professor X: What’s your power?
Me: I can turn ice into cats.
Professor X: That’s ridiculous.
Police: [busting in] You’re all under arrest!
Me: I got this!
Polecats: Sonofa…
Bring a toddler to your next robbery. Their smudgy fingerprints everywhere will make the forensics team cry.
trying not to judge stupid people too harshly anymore because it turns out i’m people and oh man am i stupid.
if i could be permanently ratatouilled i would. just relinquish all control. let the rat do it. im done
Velcrow
Someone wished me happy birthday on a ‘random, not my birthday day’ so I responded with ‘same to you’.
“Are you okay?”
Me anytime I meet someone named Annie.
I’m gonna hang on to you one more year, bottle of relish.
CANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT THE LAST 4 TIMES:
-Sad
-Embarrassing
-Pretended it was a scheduling issue but they knew I was lyingCANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT TODAY:
-Brave
-Iconic
-Protecting the world by not letting a stranger put his fingers in my mouth
“SO WE’RE NOT KNOCKING ANYMORE??!!”
You: *makes tiniest movement on sofa*
Someone: “you going to the kitchen?”
My husband says how much he loves my cooking by having poison control on speed dial.
In a world full of Christmas fruitcakes, be a cheese ball
You can either have a nice evening or you can help your child with their math homework.
You can’t have both.
YOU CANT GROUND ME, THE GOVERNMENT ALREADY DID
-Kids