Boss: you’re fired
Me: *slams fist on couch* you woke me up for this?
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Someone: how are you?
Me: thanks, you too.
being older than your parents were when they had you is a bizarre feeling, like what the fuck do you mean I was once left unsupervised in the care of a 26-year-old
i’ve found my new favorite subculture
My reading glasses would look good on your nightstand.
-Me, flirting.
She asked if I noticed anything different about her & I said no. Then I noticed she was angrier than usual.
Me: was your son fed?
Wife: yes.
Me: bathed?
Wife: yes.
Me: in bed on time?
Wife: yes.
Me: so I’m a “bad dad” why?
Wife: his pajamas.
Me: what about them?
Wife: THEY. DON’T. MATCH.
Wife: “these are the nice ornaments. Put them in the front of the tree”
Me: “all decorations are beautiful in their own way”
Wife (cont.) “and these are the shit ones you bury deep in the branches”
Him: Why are you going in circles???
Me: I’m buffering!!!
lawyer: I haven’t won a case since last year’s hearing loss.
me: what was the hearing for?
lawyer: WHAT?
me: the hearing.
lawyer: WHAT?
I plan to scary-haunt anyone who says “she wouldn’t want us to be sad” at my funeral. If you’re not sad that I’m gone forever you deserve it
Secret agents asking citizens to please speak more clearly in all phone calls. Also, cut the chitchat and get to the good stuff, they ask.
When I was 16, my parents sat me down to give me “the talk” about professional wrestling.
“What’s the worst that can happen?”
Buddy I’ve got anxiety, I’ll make you a list
I’m the only person breathing through my nose at this Walmart
You: *extending your hand palm up* Give me some skin!
Me: *shakes throw pillow over your hand*
Sure my haircuts weren’t always great, but Mom did the best she could while also frying bacon, talking on the phone and smoking a cigarette.
Whenever I see a celebrity photobomb, I’m like, that’s so relatable. I too constantly ruin moments and think I’m more fun than I actually am
Born on February 29th of a leap year, I can’t legally drink till I’m 84.
I told all my colleagues at work that I have a twin so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
just a good, friendly, light-hearted conversation that for some reason charmin initiated with me
Dudes named Chance never had one.
Hey Paul Ryan, why don’t you save some first names for the rest of us.
Son: why is my sisters name rose?
Dad: because your mother loves roses
Son: what about me?
Dad: it’s a long story, Bush’s Country Style Baked Beans
Sin?
I thought you said gin.
*shrug*
Either way, make mine a double.
62% of marriage conversation is just
spouses stating “I never said that.”
still not “these beanie babies are going to be worth so much later on” rich and it hurts.
mondays are the worst day of the week because no one likes you unless you’re a holiday
(At the bar)
Woman: Hi, I think I’ve seen you somewhere before.
Me: Must be Twitter
Her: Did you say Tinder?
Me: Ya know, maybe that was it
You ever think someone is breaking into your house and then realize oh, it’s just the clothes in the washer I started 5 minutes ago.
We buried our grandad with his exercise bike – he’s spinning in his grave.