You ever think someone is breaking into your house and then realize oh, it’s just the clothes in the washer I started 5 minutes ago.
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This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
They are only bad decisions if you get caught
My mom (seriously) asked if my friend’s brother “still had down syndrome.” No mother, he walked it off.
The only thing worse than getting caught sneaking alcohol into the house by your wife is being called amateur by your teen son.
Told my daughter work was tough today and she patted my back and said, “Life isn’t always pickles and peaches,” like some kind of 3rd Grade Confucius.
Me: You’re telling me someone broke into the house and the only thing that was stolen was the ice cream?
Husband: (without breaking eye contact) Yes.
Unlike in Westworld, “freeze all motor functions” does not stop my 3yo from trying to wash my phone in the toilet.
“He’s the hero Gotham deserves, but not the one it needs right now.”
Choose your fighter
Decided not to waste $300 on obedience training after watching my dog bark at a shovel on the patio for 10 minutes.
Was just talking with a friend who refuses to give her husband a blow job because it’s “dirty”.
Told her not to worry, someone else will.
[sinking boat]
CAPTAIN: ABANDON SHIP!
ME: *trying to climb back on board* there’s a band on ship?!
Just got ejected from my son’s little league game for arguing with the ump. I didn’t really care about the call, I just got bored and needed an excuse to leave.
I consider page 2 of google results the dark web.
Insane how Jesus was born on Christmas and resurrected on Easter??? Like what are the odds
I’m not saying white uniforms on kids for sports was invented by Big Laundry but I’m not NOT saying it either.
ME: (sitting by a roaring fire) Isn’t this romantic?
WIFE: Your crocs are melting.
Wife: what’d you do after work?
Me: I may have taken a nap
Wife: you may have or you did?
Me: I may have did
I briefly stepped away from social media to get an idea of what else is going on in the world. For instance, I didn’t realize I was still married.
When you have kids, finding a marker lid in your house is like finding a pin without the grenade attached.
Dating tip:
Girls love mysterious guys. For example, tell her “Im a lawyer.Or AM I?” then hum the Twilight Zone theme and turn into an eagle
WIFE: I’m leaving you because of your constant mansplaining. I can’t believe you didn’t see the writing on the wall.
ME: That’s called graffiti, Sharon.
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
To kill a French vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart. Sounds easy but the process is painstaking.
Took an exam on ancient Persian culture.
I passed with flying carpets.
My girlfriend just called a group of sheep ‘sheeps’ and now I can never be sure that she is legally capable of consenting to sex.
Why are we talking about foreign relations when we have untapped resources here? Take Dave, for example. We could eat Dave today. And I know you all want to.
– Cannibal Presidential Debates
When you’re on the couch being all comfy, snuggled under a blanket, a glass of wine on your left, a bag of chips on your right, the cat is sleeping on your lap, and you realize you forgot to put the remote within reach.
That’s the moment you wish you had kids.
If you’re afraid of public speaking, just imagine everyone in the audience is on their phones not listening to you anyway.
when my wife is giving birth then the baby pops out and steals the hotdog i’m eating